I have tourettes, but tourettes does not have me.

It's been a long time.. to say the least!

2010-01-08T14:26:00.002Z

Hey everyone,

Sorry I've been inactive here for quite a bit,
Just with, you know; uni and life it's been quite hectic!

Uni has been going quite good tourettes aside, I have achieved 2 A's and I think I was 2 points off another A in a test I had, I might be moving into a flat soon with my friend in Bolton for the rest of the time at Uni, which is quite exciting!

My toruettes has been really bad this past couple of months and it has been ever so hard to cope with.
I had to leave uni one week early for christmas breaks because I couldn't cope where I was alone with my tourettes.

I have been researching the Deep Brain Stimulation and I was going to look into that with doctors and such, but then realized I would have to quit University to have it done, and that is just not going to happen because I know that I wouldn't redo the course.

I just hope it simmers down soon because I want to do well at uni and I want to be able to cope to a certain degree. I'm on some medication to help me sleep, and apaprently help to cool down the toruettes a bit called 'Trifluoperazine' I'm on 1mg once a night and so far it's working with the sleeping and it's made nights so much more bearable.

As before, it would take, quite liturally, three or four hours just to get to sleep, and I would have to bear witness to my tics at their worst laid down.

I'm back at uni after the christmas breaks and I'm looking foward to the future :]

Thanks for your time in reading,
Regards,
Mark

Settling into Uni couldn't be anymore awesome..

2009-10-04T16:39:00.002+01:00

Hey guys,

Ok so I've spent two weeks in Halls of Residence now, starting 'properly' at uni from tomorrow.
But I seriously would of never expected to of had this much fun by now and met all the brilliant people I did and the great friends I've made.

It's quite a turn around from 2 weeks ago where I was very much down in the gutters.
I still hold the friends that held me close back then close to me. Because they are worth it, there's only a very few though.

The week after moving in I even went into Manchester with my new friends just to shop about and have a laugh and it was amazing. I've never had any friends who would do that with me or care for me in a group. A very nice, new amazing feeling [:

I love hanging out at there flat and chilling/talking having fun because it's such a change from my past. All this and I've not even got onto how the course ACTUALLY is haha!

Well the course is shaping up to be really great! We will be using 3dsmax which I love anyway, the unreal 2004 editor and possibly 3 editor, I have it just incase :]

The tutors are really laid back and kind and I'm really really looking foward to the rest of the year.

My tourettes is still quite bad though, and has gotten me into trouble on quite a few separate occasions infact!

Luckily I've had my friends near me so I didn't have to face those situations alone like I usually would of had to.

Thank you Rachael, Sophie, Shauni, Grant and Jen =D!

Long may these awesome times continue!

Thanks for reading, hope you comment [:
Regards,
Mark

Well I've gotten into Uni, or have I?

2009-08-24T11:13:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone,

Well I rang up Bolton University last Tuesday explaining everything and they said with the 200 points I have I can get a place on the course but they need the verification from UCAS to confirm it.

Results were meant to come out Thursday like everyone else but nope, bot ours, not from North Lindsey. Still, on Monday, NO RESULTS ON UCAS or an email of any sort.

This has made me and several other people that I know very angry with UCAS, because the clearing system will have little to no places left by the time some of us get our results, whenever the hell that will be.

I'm sort of scared and looking foward to Uni at the same time, scared because I don't know how I'll cope with things like cooking, washing up, helping around. But excited because of all the opportunities to make new friends!

I'm home alone for the week as my parents and sister have went on holiday :]
Good times.

Thanks for reading,
If you have any bad thing to say on UCAS please post it :],
Mark

Still so much work to be done explaining Tourettes Syndrome to the public..

2009-08-08T20:17:00.003+01:00

i
Ok SO,

I'm not exactly in the BEST of moods at the moment.
Sometimes I get really sick of these ignorant people who think it's ok to pass judgment on somebody because of their actions. And then not bother to think about or accept the reason for their actions.

Like with toruettes, we cannot help what we do. We have no control, or very little over it.

I was walking through my local village today ticing, twitching, grunting, swearing as per usual.
When some idiot tells me to 'stop swearing in public you rude cunt' Well for one, he just shouted back to me in an aggressive tone and he also swore back.

I told him, quite angrily I must admit 'I can't fucking help it' because at that moment in time I got sick of telling everybody that stops me that I can't help it, and this guys friend replies back to me with 'You can, stop been a little attention seeking idiot and stop causing trouble'

I wasn't even going to bother saying I had tourettes because they would of seen it as an excuse and they would of just repeated what they had said in a different manner.

It really is anoyying that sometimes, people with Tourettes, and people that have it bad like I do, get the dirty looks, the smart comments, the rude remarks, and even when we explain what we have and why we are acting that way. SOME still refuse to believe or accept it and either turn to mock our tics or tell us that we can control it and to not do it in public.

This can really anoyy me so much and I'm sure it anoyys fellower Touretters.

True this is only the minority that does this, but walking out in a village or big town, the numbers add up.

It's great when you bump into someone who is understanding but then when you get the ones like I just discussed. It can be increasingly stressful to deal with.

Thank you for reading this little rant/moan.
If you want to comment I would sure love to hear your opinions on the matter.

Regards,
Mark

Uni approaching, hopefully..

2009-07-29T16:48:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone,

Ok so I received my 'Student' version of my results. I got an MMP (Merit, Merit, Pass) But I needed Merit Merit Merit to be guaranteed a place. Which is 240 points, I only have 200 points, plus the key skills test which hopefully I get some in.

I have my room in the halls of residence and my student finance ready and waiting. I'm just preying they will accept me. The areas which I excelled in were design, games design and 3d design (digital).

So hopefully they will take that into account. And I'm a bit upset I wasn't put into special consideration while marking. Because I know if I hadn't of had tourettes i would of got MMM no problem. So I will complain if I don't get my place!

Though my Tutors from college have said they haven't known anyone that hasn't got a place on the course they applied for. So fingers crossed hey guys!

Sorry this is short, but not much else to say, summer is going along at a slow pace. Pretty boring tbh!
Waiting for a chque to clear, which takes 7 weeks!!! stupid forgien cheques, oh well another 2 weeks to wait for that.
I have a good feeling about the Uni situation though :]

Thanks for reading,
Mark

Vlog of Tourettes

2009-06-23T11:26:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone,

So I have decided, after much thought and people supporting me in saying it will be a good idea,
to make a youtube vlog on my life with tourettes syndrome

I want to help explain not just what tourettes is, but in what way it can effect us.
Not just in the bad ways, but in the good ways aswell.

For example, I've not been ill since I've had Tourettes, coincidence maybe, but something to talk about.

Also my artistic skills have been brought alive since I've had Tourettes.

I'd like to hear your opinions on this, and if you would support me doing this,
I will be doing it regardless but opinions always help =]

Regards,
Mark

End of college, beginning of the rest of my life

2009-06-15T14:18:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone,

So I've just finished college, last week the whole of my design department made an exhibition to put on show for everyone, which would show off the best pieces of our work that we had done over the past two years. The exhibition will be up for around 3 weeks though parents and new students starting in September where invited on Thursday night and it was quite scary to be honest!

I couldn't look at my part of the exhibition because people where always around it, and watching the 3D games trailer I had made and also playing my flash game, which I guess isn't a bad thing! But I just couldn't look haha!

Well I've got 3 months until I start University so a lot of free time that's for sure! I got a new guitar early this month, so that makes two I have now! It's called a Schecter Damien B-2, its really good.

Of course, I'm still song writting and I will post one of them at the bottom of this blog, but theres something I would like to discuss.

I was walking down my local towns street when I was grunting and ticing, the usual (It's been pretty bad as of late with all the stress of handing in everything for college)
I heard a few chavy lads walk by mimicing me, I'm not too bothered I don't wanna cause a fight, but then one of the decided to throw a glass bottle at me, it missed thanfully and I was just about ready to turn around and unleash hell on him, but I thought to myself 'is he really worth it?' and walked away.

I just want to know wyour opinions, do you think that's not standing up for myself or do you think it's doing the right thing and not causing a scene?

Well I'd like to know your opinions!
As promised heres another song I wrote:

You and me,
We could of seen it all.
I could picture us standing
Standing so high and so tall.

And everything,
Could of went away,
If i had of been there for you.
And everyone,
They wouldn't have been this way.
If I had of been there for you

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

Can't you breathe once without hurting,
The ones that you love,
And everyone your hurting,
Your beginning to shove, away.

If my path was that simple,
You've torn it in two,
And I can't decide which direction,
And which one would suit you.

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

Please is the word, its so simple
The word that I seem to hear all the time.

Please is the word, your not hearing
The word that I no longer,
Feel I can hide.

And I beg you to stay,
Or please just wish me away,
So no more I feel what I feel inside

Make the pain stop, before I pass out,
Waking up without you by my side.
If I'm dreaming than stop me,
Theres not a lot more places that I can hide.

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

My papers so heavy,
The angles acute,
I can't see no way
That I won't fall, is this the end?

Oh I wish you would stay,
But I can't bare a lie,
The truths what I'm hearing.
Then I guess its goodbye..

Thanks for reading, hope to hear what you think,
Regards,
Mark

Thoughts about Univirsity and such

2009-05-15T09:08:00.003+01:00

Hello everyone,

Yeah so I'm in my final year at college doing a National Diploma in Interactive Media (formerly known as Multimedia) Currently on my Final Major Project!Which is actually a 3D animation games trailer for a game I had developed in another lesson in the course called games design.

Anyho, I'm really excited about moving out, going to Univirsity and meeting lots of new and wonderful people! You don't get many chances to start again, forget the bad times and leave the people behind that's caused pain in your life. And Uni is THE perfect place to do that!!

I am going to be going to Bolton Univirsity as their games design course is amazing!
THe accomidation's pretty neat too, and nice prices per week to rent. I will be bringing my guitar with me hehe because I have a piece of software on my laptop that allows it to produce different amp tones so I can just plug my guitar into my laptop, plug some earphones in and jam away to myself!

Been doing this Student Finance application last night, real pain in the ass, as well as having to fill in a really big online form, my parents are also required to send all their money earning details inc birth certificates and so forth. Though mind you this is so I can get some student loans and hopefully a few non repayable grants.

My Tourettes has been quite bad this past month and a bit, I think it's because the stress is eating me, with trying to complete any outstanding work for college, my Final Major Project, friend issues etc I've not had time to think it all through and my Tourettes hasn't seemed to respond well to it at all. Hopefully after college is over I will be a tad more calmer which hopefully fingers crossed will keep my Tourettes at bay.

On an ending note, I wonder sometimes; why can't friends just be simple and why in some cases, do they cause more hassle then good?

Thanks for reading this,
Best Regards,
Mark

18, Now I can actually buy things

2009-05-02T10:07:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone,

So I'm 18 today (2nd May) Heh, the past 4 years have went by pretty fast and I think things will get better, I mean come on, Uni in less than 6 months!! I'm really excited for that.

Over the past two weeks quite a lot of stuff has happened, some of it has made me happy and glad certain issues are resolved, but others, people, even at the age I'm at, can be so immature it's ridiculous. I will be really glad when i get to Uni, start fresh, meet new people and new friends.

I'm starting my final Major Project for College which is a games trailer for my survival horror game that I made in another class in my course (Games Design) and it's turning out to be quite a fun project, building the environment for my trailer is quite a task but I'm certainly getting there!

Sorry this hasn't been a long or interesting post, but hey, there you go, I guess I'm just a bit busy with the fact I'm finally 18 haha!

Thanks for reading,
Regards
Mark

Quick update, more on song writting

2009-04-12T20:15:00.003+01:00

Hello everyone,

Sorry about the inactivity lately, been a bit busy, stuff has happened thats not been too great.
You know, all of that type if thing.

And it's caused me to have quite a witting fit haha.

My tourettes has got considerably worse since the stress has come back,
Finding it hard to have any control over it but I'm looking towards Uni, sort of like my bright light at the end of this very long tunnel.

Any ho,
I would like to share with you some lyrics I wrote about the time I'm going through,
I'm pretty sure my lyrics, if you piece them all together, would make my life story haha.

Enjoy them, tell me what you think, I would love to hear from you!

I won't let this go down beside me,
It just can't go this far,
And everything I ever did for you,
I won't let it be all for this

If I ever had to let you go,
I just hope I wouldn't know.

Where everything you know of me,
Will never truly leave.

I won't let this go down beside me,
This just won't go down without me.

And everything we ever held,
I would hold again without thinking twice.
The lessons I have not learn't
Will come back to haunt me again.

But I just can't let this go down beside me,
And you know I won't let you go.
Not even if you, try,

It doesn't matter how long you wait,
I will never forget you.
It doesn't matter how much you take,
I will still do anything for you.

I won't let this go down beside me,
And I won't let you too.

I still cherish every near miss,
Everything that we once meant.
And I still smile from all those times,
Those times we don't regret.

But now I regret even meeting you,
And all the ache that you've caused.
How I wish that we didn't know
Oh how I wish we never knew...

Shes been all that I can think,
What has she done to me,
I'm thinking alone of all the pain,
But if I'm selfish you've made me that way

If I'm selfish I still want you.

I can't let this go down beside me,
And I won't you go down beside me.

No I can't,
No I won't let this go down,
Beside me....

Regards,
Mark

Tourettes Syndrome and how the media portray it

2009-03-06T18:54:00.002Z

Is the media giving Tourettes a Syndrome a bad name to the public?

Now Tourettes and Epilepsy are nothing to be ashamed of as people have come to accept these a lot more than say, 50 years ago where you would be looked down on for been different to the rest.

Sadly, in some cases this is still the same. Now obviously people have there own right to look at other people to try and figure out what is the matter with them, to a certain extent. Not to the point where they make rude faces are actually come up to you and tell you to stop.
I myself have Tourettes Syndrome and have been diagnosed now for nearly 4 years. I have Coprolalia

Now it is hard enough trying to walk down the street without groups of people asking me to stop ticing and swearing in public without people like this 'Tourettes Guy' pretending to have Tourettes when he obviously does not have, going into stores and public places with a video camera and purposely verbally assaulting everyone he sees, his sentences are most of the time well structured and in Coprolalia the sentences if said, bear no sense or meaning.

Image from aleuranthropy

And as this 'Tourettes Guy' has become so popular on video streaming sites such as Youtube and Google video, the media has gained a stereotypical view on Tourettes that is involves swearing and bad manners.

Now I know for a fact that 'coprolalia occurs in as low as 5-15% of patients and 5-30% in some clinical series' quote from Tourettes Disorder.com. Now another thing people tend to think as they see me or any other Tourettes sufferer with Coprolalia, is that it is amazing to have, and 'so much fun' and the amount of times I have had to argue this fact is quite amazing, literally hundreds of people have come up to me and said 'Wow you have Tourettes that must be so much fun' and even when I explain it is not, they don't take it seriously.

It is quite obviously not fun having to explain to someone you didn't mean to utter some rude comments at them and that you don't want any trouble all the time.

I have been in some tricky situations thanks to my Tourettes and none of them where fun at all, some even life threatening.

I am sure many of you who live in Britain like I do, have watched Big Brother, and know that somebody with Tourettes Syndrome was on one of the series, called Pete Bennett. He wanted to get his confidence back up and so wanted to show people he was not ashamed of having Tourettes Syndrome so he went on Big Brother and won it, but one of the reasons was public appeal because the public thought Tourettes was 'cute' I don't know how Pete himself felt about this, I would like to know. But it is not cute, it can be funny sometimes yes, I know for a fact some things or actions I do make people laugh and can cheer the day up, but they are laughing with me, not AT me, but it is not cute.

Pete been on big brother has helped raise public awareness of Tourettes Syndrome, hopefully for the better. But more needs to be done

Image from pete-bennett.co.uk/

For those who have to fight on with Tourettes (like me) because no medication will work on them, it is a daily struggle made harder because of the way the Media portrays Tourettes Syndrome, and the way the public view it as because of the media. This does not make it any easier.

And I want to increase awareness about Tourettes Syndrome to everybody that reads this.

And with enough public understanding, maybe this will reduce the stress of our lives (people with Tourettes Syndrome) while walking out in public.

Thank you all very much for reading this and I hope you take your time to visit tourettes-disorder.com/ and read up on Tourettes Syndrome, I am trying to increase awareness of Tourettes and stray it out from what it is been portrayed as in the media.

Thanks for reading, i hope you've learn't something from this,
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Concentration

2009-02-26T17:56:00.002Z

What is this mysterious link between the two? Will this lead to breakthroughs about Tourettes Syndrome?

Image Source

So, what many people don't know about Tourettes Syndrome is that in most cases, the sufferer can actually be quite skilled in a certain area of music. For example one could be greater accustomed to a piano than somebody not suffering Tourettes Syndrome.

I myself am talented on Guitar and while playing it, helps me to concentrate and reduces the amount of tics I do, both physically and verbally.

Now this does not work all the time because there are days where I tic no matter how hard I concentrate on things. But it is a great getaway from the usual tics and pains that come with them.

I really enjoy playing the guitar and it helps enjoying the thing that relives you from your twitches and tics.

A lot of Tourettes sufferers are very talented playing the Piano and can grow up to be very successful at doing so.

Image Source

But it does not necessarily have to be music that is the only sedative for Tourettes, lots of people notice when they are concentrating on the computer, surfing the internet or playing a game and so on, there Tourettes is not as bad as not doing those activities.

To help control my tics I played video games quite a lot because this would help to ease the twitches and spasms I would and still do get.

The only bad thing about these "methods" of reliving some of the intense pressure of Tourettes, is that almost all the time after the sufferer has finished concentrating on that certain thing, all those withheld tics and twitches all come back at once and you can have quite a bad outburst of a few minutes because of keeping them in, even if you didn't think you where, the whole process of concentrating is in a way holding the Tourettes in; its like when you try to hold the tics in and after a while they all come out at once because you can't hold them in forever.

The thing that still baffles scientists even today is why concentrating can stop tics, what part of the brain is controlling this action and why. If they knew that, there might be a breakthrough in discovering a cure for Tourettes, which as of today has no cure.

Thank you for taking your time to read, if you would like to know more about Tourettes Syndrome then please, visit this link: http://www.tourettes-disorder.com/.

Thank you for reading everybody, i hope you do comment,

Regards,
Mark

Thinking of the future, hating the present

2009-02-24T19:19:00.003Z

Hello everyone,

Ok, so rough couple of weeks, falling out with a few friends over nothing, some been really immature about everything, and making whatever is wrong to be my fault. But people do that, so yeah i just ignore it.

The future, what a vivid thought, you could spend all day thinking of what you can do with your life, or what you could do if you managed to do something in the present. See; even that small sentence is confusing, but its the thought of the possibility that you won't be able to do what you hope to do that is the scary thing.

With my head the way it is, certain people unable to talk much, which is cool i know I'll catch up with em. But my head builds up much like power, and too much power can overload the system. That's whats starting to happen at the minute, its also bringing back my obsessive thinking, which is not good at all. Too hard to explain but basically i can't block out anything that comes into my head.

I'm also pretty fed up with the surroundings i have, where i live there are no friends nearby, and that is awful. I want to be around my friends, be able to go out after college or at weekends and hang around with them. But thats something for the future, hopefully college will bring a closer group of friends and better surroundings!

Hehe i hope I am able to play my guitar pretty loud in Uni, I'll be gutted otherwise!!

Thanks for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Positive Changes but nasty side effects

2009-02-08T20:14:00.003Z

Hello everyone,

So I've not been very active this past few weeks, well since i last posted in the middle of January!
But some things have changed, well i went to a gig in Leeds near the end of January to watch Escape the Fate at the Cockpit, it was great! Very fun entertaining night to say the least lol!!

And I'm also in a band, It's only just got itself together and we are still in need of a talented drummer, we only have rough copies of two of our own songs and they are exactly that, rough!! But like with any new band, the more you jam with each other the better you work together and the better you end up sounding!

But I'm also having a hard time in my head, my ocd is really bad this month, the only thing that's on my mind at the moment is leaving home, as much as it makes me look a selfish twat for saying it, i can't stand it here, i can't point my finger on exactly what it is, but it's getting to me, i want to get away from all the bad memories and bad past and start fresh, clean slate, meet new people, new adventures, new problems. But not here, not here.

I've also had the same thing happen that always happens with me, i make a friend, or so i think i have. And the next week they don't speak to me again, you could say that I am getting used to this by now, but it still hurts just as much as ever. My confidence is low because of that, which makes me act weird around my friends, they understand(I hope) but yeah.

Tough times are ahead, but hey, who hasn't got them?
But i guess the band thing is a great positive eh.

I hope if any of my friends read this, that they understand. And also i hope to see my friends more often, it's so annoying not been able to see your friends much, specially the ones you really care about.

Thank you for taking your time in reading this,
Regards,
Mark

A friend i just could NOT live without

2009-01-14T17:07:00.003Z

Hello everyone,

This is about a friend who has stuck with and by me over these past months and without her i really don't know where i would be right now.

She has always tried to keep me level headed and calm, shes always tried to be there for me and always listened to what i had to say/moan about. I admit we have had our hard times, but seriously; who doesn't?

I am just so thankful to her in every way imaginable. I'm always going to be there for her and hope she knows that, as she is for me.

These tough few months have been made less painful with her company, I don't even want to think what would of happened if she had not been there for me. Thank you, you mean the world to me and not even the world is big enough to show how much gratitude and love and respect i have for you.

Thank you Laura

Well, first post of new year and i have a new tattoo!

2009-01-04T11:10:00.004Z

Hello everyone,

So this is my first post of the new year and things are a bit dull at the moment , college starts again on Tuesday, nobody knows I've got another tattoo yet so that should be pretty interesting to say the least! I have finally completed some course work that was meant to be handed in 6 months ago, woops.

But yeah, back on subject. The main reason i wanted another tattoo was because i wanted both arms to be decorated, i wanted a tribal tattoo because i like the way they are designed and look, and to me they are appealing, sure it's not super shading and lots of colours but it's what i like and now that i have had it done on my right arm, its a half sleeve size i really do like the look of it1
It took one and a quater hour to complete and obviously hurt but i didn't flinch, apart from my Tourettes but like the previous tattoo i had done, i asked the guy to strap my arm down to the chair, which he kindly did so that helped quite a lot.

I will post pictures up when i have any, and i will be adding to this tattoo, putting objects in and around the tribal design and also adding more tribal around the arm.

It's been fun posting my first blog of 2009 and hope to be posting many more, though hopefully not of the sad kind.

Regards,
Mark

So its Christmas time but...

2008-12-25T09:28:00.002Z

Hello everyone,

So it's Christmas time again, (yes it happens every year) and i just don't feel it, i guess it's because of my logically minded head and i understand why everyone says Merry Christmas to each other, but i don't do it, i don't see it, everyone knows its Christmas and people automatically turn happy for 24 hours, it's pretty amazing how people can put their problems behind them for a day, and been depressed the next, why don't they take the same enthusiasm that gives Christmas it's name and take it on into everyday life?

I'm not religious see, so i don't really like what the word stands for; Christ-mas. It signals a guy been born that we don't know even exists?
I'm not been a Grinch, as i stated earlier people with hard lives get to enjoy them more for a day, and eat food!

And alot of people do use Christmas as a time to get the expensive toy or item they have been after all year, why? Because they can, it's Christmas!

Th thing i most like about Christmas is the fact all the family get together, even some i never see, just becasue it's Christmas, heck one of them could be a serial killer but that wouldn't bother us for that one day, it's crazy isn't it? It's also a shame families can't get along like that even after Christmas.

Thanks for reading, it's been a bit of an off-topic thing for my blog, comment and discuss

Regards,
Mark

A song i made, its intense

2008-12-14T17:45:00.002Z

Hello everyone,
This here is a song that i have written
It's about how i feel.

As i stand
And i think
Bout everything done
Everything you saids wrong
Then write me a song
Tell me how much that it sucks
When the world goes fuck up
Your all fucking stuck up
You don't give a shit
Bout the people i met
The people that saw me
The people ignore me
They don't wanna know me
I don't wanna know me
Who wants to know me
Not even she does
The girl that was set
On ruining my life
Making it hell
Its hard to tell
Whats going through her head
Any questions she said
I wanna lay dead
Dead on the table
So write me a label
Make your own fable
I don't give a shit
No more, so ill quit
I don't have it in me
To keep up this gimmick
These angry lyrics
They write there own symphony
Trying to keep up this infamy
To try and get into me

No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

It takes it out of me
I don't have it in me

So shut the fuck up already
My head is pounding
I can't even think straight
Leave me alone
While i try and concentrate
Stop trying to take my life
It is not for sale
And it never will be
My face is so pale
I'm going to pass out
If you don't stop crowding me
Thats what you said to me
Stop it already
I didn't even do nothing
Wasn't anywhere near you
So stop the excuses
So, fucking screw you
I don't even need you
Its like you speak Hebrew
I can't understand you
What your trying to say
Not helping, this pain go away
So stop with the fucks,
And the shit and cunts
And quit with the looks.
You said you wanted me out
And now i will rant
And ill bant and ill chant
All this crap that you told me
That you don't wanna know me
And ill turn it against you
Like you, turned against me
And make you so lonely
You'll cry coz you told me
What you takes what you get
So get this
I've had enough and i quit
Ill curse and ill spit
And be really fucking nasty
Coz i can if you push me
And ill, go berserk
But this, it all works.

I don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

Yeah,

No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

I don't have it in me
See you can't win me

Thanks for reading, maybe tell me what you think?
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Friends...

2008-12-12T13:00:00.002Z

Hello everyone

Ok so as I'm sure everybody with Toruettes knows, it's not exactly easy to make friends because of the way people judge you, now obviously not everybody is going to do this but the people who i have made friends with over the past two or three months, a week or two after, have ditched me becasue they either can't 'cope' with my tourettes or the way i am.

Now obviously this is very distressing to anybody but even more so to me becasue i find it hard enough to make and keep friends without people bailing on me like that.
And when i get the feeling I depress my friends when i am around them, is even more horrid.
I try and be positive minded and as upbeat as i can but latley that has become undoable.

I try my best to make my friends happy and sometimes that's just not good enough,
And when people find it so easy to make other people laugh and make them happy, I do sometimes wish i would of never had Tourettes in the first place, but i do, and its here to stay and i will fight it and battle the world to change the way Tourettes is looked at because I'm not ashamed I have it at all.

But I just wish friends would be more supportive about it all.

There's one person that is, but i get the feeling she is starting to not enjoy my company and would rather be around other people as i get the feeling i don't make her happy like I used to, this may be because of what I've been through in the past two months but that's no excuse from me.
I really hope that this is not the case and she feels the same as she did then as she means the world to me.
But it's happened before, my 'friends' find other people who make them happy and laugh and upbeat and then think 'why am i friends with this person who has Toruettes and doesn't make me happy?' and BANG before I know it, their gone.

I hope if i ever get there, University brings the goodness out of people and i meet great people who lift my mood up, because i need my friends close at the minute and they are so hard to come by, don't worry, Tourettes is not going to win, my character is stronger than any metal on this planet.

Thank you for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Offset Distractions

2008-11-10T18:05:00.001Z

Hello Everyone,

Over the past week or so, I have had this quite horrible feeling in me, this ticking, constant thoughts in the back of my head, you know they are there because no matter how hard you try to focus/distract your mind, you always remember what you where been down about, which inevitably brings you back down again.

The thoughts and feeling I have are in no way my fault, the feelings I have had for over a year now, been building up inside me because I was too weak to let them out and now it has gotten to the point where my mind is completely blocked and now I can't concentrate on College Work, what makes it worse is that I feel somebody is giving me the cold shoulder, my suspension is that the person is mad or angry at me, for what I do not know, and if it is about my feelings, I don't know why they would be angry, and that the person would ask me.

But I get no replies, no responses, when I try to sort this developing problem out, I get no help from the 'other' side, So I'm kind of stuck in this emotionally draining pit until it gets sorted out, which I want it to be, I know the person doesn't like been this way with me and that they would want it sorted too, but I can't do it by myself, it needs co-operation from both sides.

Having OCD really does NOT help at all, because no matter how much I try to erase everything from my head and heart, my OCD just pounds them back in, I hope this gets sorted soon as it is getting quite ridiculous to say the least.

Thank you for reading and if 'you' are reading, please understand and talk to me so we can get things sorted.

Regards,
Mark

Such a strange hobby...

2008-10-23T17:25:00.001+01:00

Hello Everyone,

With tourettes syndrome, I get quite bad OCD in some areas, such as having things in a certain way the way I want them, I can detect wether or not something has been moved in the slightest.

Now when I'm stressed or angry (which is quite a lot this past month) I tend to write songs, it comes naturally, depending on the mood I'm in, the song will come out like that mood. The lyrics sometimes can actually be quite catchy and I have a tendency to have them all saved in a certain folder, there must be hundreds by now, all put into different categories, by genre, mood, type, speed. Quite obsessive if I must say so myself!

Writing songs always helps to distress me as well so it's sort of a win win situation. The only problem is I don't know what to do with all these songs lying around like a lost cause!

This week has been quite tough and I have wrote about 40 songs, it's actually getting quite bad now!

Thank you for reading and taking your time, comments are welcome

Regards,
Mark

A moderate Worry

2008-10-13T19:53:00.003+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now last week, on Thursday, my eyes did the thing where they would roll into the back of my head and completely piss me off.

But this time the pain was nothing i have ever felt, it was so unbearable, while i was trying to direct myself inside Ashby Link (where i was for college that day) i nearly passed out on the road, i had to bite my tongue to stop it.

When i got up to the second floor and sat on a chair waiting for lesson to start, the tutor came out and asked if i was ok, i couldn't speak because the pain was that bad so my body cried for me so he knew something was up.

Well eventually my mum came and they called the Paramedics,
i was put on Oxygen for half an hour while various tests where made on my blood,
i was barley conscious while the Paramedic was doing this. My friend was holding my hand but i couldn't feel her hand because the pain was taking over every nerve in my body.

The Paramedic said i did not need to go to Hospital, so when i eventually had the ability to stand up, i was escorted to my mothers car and we drove to my consultant at my local doctors.
She suggested i could have a form of epilepsy... which i will most likely be having tests done in November when i go to see the neurologist about my Tourettes again.. so basically i have Tourettes, OCD, and now worrying about the possibility of having Epilepsy. Great eh?

Thanks for taking your time in reading this post, i hope you can also take the time to comment as well.

Regards,
Mark

OCD and it's apparent Burdens....

2008-10-04T14:21:00.001+01:00

Hello everyone,

Well as some of you may already know, people with Tourettes usually always have OCD as well (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Now OCD can be a very annoying and stressful thing to have to deal with, for instance i have a mobile phone to text my friends and so on, and i have this obsession with people replying to my texts, and if they don't I get really stressed and text them again, and so forth, now this is very frustrating for me as it can be very unpleasant for the recipient, but then again why wouldn't they text back?
If they have low battery, battery is dead, busy, don't have there phone on them, this doesn't stop it, because my OCD is telling me to do this, and I hope my friends understand this and text back eventually.

There has been fallouts over this in the past with various friends, but MOST of the time it's got sorted.

There is also this obsession in which I need to do a certain amount of press ups each day depending on what type of day it is and how busy I will be in the day, This can be very tiring and embarrassing, specially when I wake up and have to do some straight away and all my muscles are still hurting from sleeping.

I have some common obsessions like having to wash my hands and clean my teeth a certain way, and tidying my room in a specific way too.

If any of my friends are reading this, I hope you understand a bit more on why I can be a bit weird/awkward sometimes and hope you will understand this.

Medication? I have tried it for OCD and gives me the same horrible effects as it did when I took medication for my Tourettes, so medication in general is a big NO NO for me

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hope you could leave a comment

Regards,
Mark

Ok, this has pissed me off...

2008-09-29T19:43:00.003+01:00

Hello everyone,

Ok i can take people shoveling verbal abuse at me when i walk in town or wherever, because it's only verbal.

But seriously, why do people SPIT at me, i mean come on? Low life or what? I wish these random fagots would grow the hell up or die trying because this is SO annoying, i don't want to have to wipe spit of me just from walking through town, it's ridiculous and un-called for...

I'm not the violent type, but the next person that spits on me, they will be having an angry fist in there face.

Thank you for reading and comment or discuss if you want

Regards,
Mark

Passers By...

2008-09-22T20:19:00.006+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now was people with Tourettes know, it can be very intimidating and quite annoying walking down a public street. For one, unless your a complete sociopath with no life, no matter how much you said it doesn't, you always get that intimidated feeling that the people who stare at you think you're a psychotic nutjob. Having theses feelings isn't the greatest thing in the world, but neither is it the worst.

The worst is when you get these idiots come up to you and start mimicking what you do and say/chant or whatever. Now i generally tend to ignore these people but sometimes it gets too much and i turn around and say in the not so friendliest of manners 'I have Tourettes, do you think i like been like this' and sometimes that still doesn't stop them, so i just walk on, uncomfortable until i finally get to the destination i was heading towards.

With my friends, it's a different story, i don't really care what i do or what people think of me when i do it because i have people i know and hold close to me alongside. Besides usually if someone says something or mimics while they are around, they get the shouting of there life thrown at them by my friends. I thank my friends for sticking up for me and not taking no shit, so if your read this. You know who you are.

If people would just know a bit more about Tourettes then I'm sure it wouldn't be so bad for us folks with the condition (i stray away from the word disease because that's so false to what Tourettes actually is)
As you can tell I'm actually quite angry today.

Thank you for your time reading this, if you want, drop me a comment as I really will appreciate it.

Regards,
Mark

Parents Undermeaning

2008-09-19T11:23:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now I'm sure a lot of you have been annoyed with your parents at some stage in your lives.
But I'm afraid that for me, it's most of the time.

When i first developed the symptoms for Tourettes Syndrome, my parents would think i was twitching and grunting for the sake of it and so would tell me to shut up, or go to my room. Now obviously this was absolutely horrible and i always felt so enraged with them.

When i got diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome it helped a bit, i mean they knew i couldn't help it, my dad though always thought i could control it to a sufficient form. Which i got very aggravated about because i would always have to repeat myself to him and sometimes my Mother would too, but been a Male he would refuse to take it in.
It actually took about a year after been diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome for my dad to actually stop and think 'oh wait, he can't actually help it'

This was comforting to know to say the least, but still up until this day i feel restricted around my family so much, my sister swears at me because i do it, and says she can do it too, which it appears my Mother doesn't give a shit about.
Every night i watch television alone because to be quite honest, i don't enjoy family time anymore. I feel really self conscious walking around at night time with the knowledge that i will most likely wake my parents up and get yelled at for something i can't help, fair enough it must be annoyed to get awoken at night, but they should understand by now i CANNOT HELP IT, i feel so paranoid around my own home now it's not even funny.

Yes my parents (mainly Mother) have supported me through tough times and do a lot for me, but using that as an excuse all the time when i try and reason with them is not on.

Thank you for taking your time to read and hope you post your thoughts on this.

Regards,
Mark

To be Still....

2008-09-15T17:20:00.004+01:00

Hello everyone,

One thing i have always wanted to be able to do, even if it was just for a day. Was to know what it felt like to be still again. Without the twitching, without the eyes rolling back, without the throat clearing and the swearing/screaming.

I long to have a yogurt without throwing the spoon across the room, or trying to drink a milkshake without spilling it across the carpet. Or even just drinking out of a normal cup/glass without the chance of me throwing the drink/glass everywhere. I wish i didn't have to use a bottle to drink out of, as i can throw it and it won't break, and juice won't spill everywhere.

I feel so bad when people have to do things for me, like make my dinner because i will get the food everywhere because i can't keep still. Especially when I'm at my friends house and i pick what i want to eat and she makes it. I get scared people will start to think i am a liability or a burden.

If i had 3 wishes from a genie, i know what one of them would be....

Thank you for taking your time and reading, hope you comment.

Regards,
Mark

The Restrictions i Face

2008-09-14T17:10:00.006+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now i am 17 and I am unable to learn to drive as it is currently unsafe for me to do so, because yes you got it right, my tourettes.
I understand this and i don't think given the choice, i would want to because if what could happen.

Though i know i will drive one day and this is one of my ambitions in life!

Another thing that gets me quite upset and annoyed is the fact sometimes playing my guitar, somedays my tourettes is really bad, that i can't concentrate on playing the guitar, or my playing skills are reduced quite a bit.

I've always wanted to know what i would be like on stage, in-front of people and how my tourettes would act, and how the spectators would act. I mean, will i ever join a band? What happens then, i can't say sorry if i tic on stage and mess up a song can i?

I guess time will tell with this.

I really would love to play the guitar fine everyday without the interruption of my tourettes but this is just not possible..

Thank you for taking your time to read and hope you comment on this.

Regards,
Mark

My Tattoo

2008-09-13T10:23:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone,

For my 17th birthday (yes i know, naughty hehe!) i got a tattoo.
This was in May and i had the tattoo on my left shoulder.
In which the tattoo said 'Tourettes on Fire in Iron Maiden font' in between the text was the Skull of the band 'The Offspring's' logo. All in black.

Now it hurt like i expected it to, and i asked to have both arms strapped down so they wouldn't tic and knock anything or put me at risk.
The tattoo session lasted around 40 minutes and even though it was very painful i really didn't mind the pain as it is what i have become accustomed to throughout my years with tourettes.

My friends absolutely loved it and say it shows that I'm not ashamed of having tourettes. Which is completely true! That's the reason i had it done, to show the world i have tourettes and am not ashamed to have it.

I'm thinking of getting another one once i accumulate enough money!

Also i shall put up a photo of the tattoo once i upload it to my computer when my phone decides to work again!

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hope you comment/reply to this post!

Regards,
Mark

To be looked at differently...

2008-09-13T10:17:00.005+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now, having tourettes, I am very much used to been looked at differently.

But my god i do get so annoyed every time someone comes up to me and goes 'hey do you have tourettes?' and i reply 'yes'. Which to that they reply 'OH MY GOD say something funny' or 'do something funny that people with tourettes do'; now i really hate this stereotyping of tourettes sufferers in where everybody thinks you can act like an idiot and swear to random strangers.

The swearing side of tourettes only effects around 15% of people with tourettes, and just the fact everybody thinks you can say funny things and get away with anything is beyond me.

And also when people ask if i have tourettes and i reply with 'yes i do' they go 'oh awesome that must be so ace/fun' and i ALWAYS reply with 'no it really sucks' and they walk away.

Why would constant muscle spasms, neck twitching, stomach churning and grunting be great fun to have? The way tourettes gets portrayed to the public eye is shocking, deeming tourettes as the swearing syndrome, which everyone would 'love' to have.
I just wish there was a way of getting it out to the public it is quite serious and something people need to be made aware of.

I'm always so scared walking through town that i might say something to someone who won't take it to heart.
It's happened before, it will happen again.

Thank you for reading and i hope you can comment/reply to this post.

Regards,
Mark

Me and my Guitar

2008-09-12T19:34:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone,

As some of you know, i play the guitar. It's a passion, it helps subdue my tourettes while i do it, over the past year a lot of my friends, and my ex guitar teacher has told me how much i have improved in playing.

My playing style has also changed quite dramatically as well.
I have become very passionate with the Metal genre of music.

Gaining influences from bands like Bullet for my Valentine, Metallica, Slipknot, In Flames, Daath, Atryu and so forth.

I practice every day and sometimes hours on end because it just takes me into a world of my own, the music just comes into my head and out through my fingers, binding me to the guitar like husband to wife.

My current guitars are an Epiphone G-400 in Cherry(i use this one an awful lot), Cruiser Stratocaster by Crafter, refurbished Gibson Les Paul Studio with replaced neck.

I am gathering the money together to buy my dream guitar, a BC Rich WMD Warbeast. From the moment i saw and played this guitar i fell in love with it. The feel, the tone, the quality!

The one think i do get a bit down about is the fact i feel like my talent is gone unwanted/noticed because i am not in a band yet, and haven't ever been. This is one thing i would absolutely love to do! If you live inside of South Yorkshire, near Scunthorpe and looking for an experienced and dedicated guitarist, could you inform me here please? It would mean so much to be with a group of musicians practicing and composing music together!

I love to make new music up every day, and the music i compose changes according to my mood.

Also i would like to mention i thin kit is true what they say, people with Tourettes have a gift in music, i love playing my guitar, and i can also play the Drums, they both relax me so much.

Comments are appreciated

Regards,
Mark

So called friends

2008-09-12T19:28:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone,

Now over this past year, mainly past 6 months, i have had so many friends leave my side because of my tourettes, for reasons ranging from they can't handle it any more to 'i feel embarrassed been with you' now obviously this is going to hurt me a lot. And sometimes i just cannot understand why people do this type of thing.

I am so lucky i have a few true friends that stick by me through everything, i guess you can only find good in some people.

Some of those so called friends even deiced to text message me saying how great there life was without me in it. And i think to myself; 'why bother wasting your time texting me then?' I just don't get some people. I guess that's life though.

What do you all think?
Is this type of thing unnecessary and rude?

Regards,
Mark

Life in College...

2008-09-12T19:09:00.000+01:00

Hello everybody,

Now i know i haven't been online for quite some time now, but I'm back and intend to keep it that way!
I've been through my first year of college in the time it's taken me to write this third blog.

So much to say, so much to write but it will all be worth it!
As you've gathered by now i have full blown Tourettes Syndrome.

I joined North Lindsey College (located in Scunthorpe) to take a National Diploma in Multimedia(now renamed Interactive Media). This course focuses on design work, for example, image manipulation in Adobe Photoshop to creating interactive websites in Macromedia Flash.

The first day of College was quite a nervous one for myself, as i had no idea of what the students in my course would think of me as, with my ticing and vocal grunting/swearing. But i am very relieved to say that they are a great bunch of people! They took me in, didn't care about my tourettes, it didn't bother them, they didn't make fun out of it but had fun with me.

Such a different experience from school life. The course tutors were very welcoming of me, because i can't draw for the amount of ticking i do, i am allowed to do digital drawings on a computer instead. Which saves a lot of stress i can tell you!

I have made so many friends in College, i have made two best friends who i hold very close to me, both female to my amazement as before college, i hadn't really talked to girls a whole lot.

But i can always rely on these two amazing woman.
When I'm down and fed up, they are there to comfort and cheer me up, which makes my life a whole lot easier!

I have loved the subjects we have covered in the course i am taking!
From creating stop motion films to making an interactive Flash website.
I have learnt so much but still have so much to learn!

I am quite pleased to say, in the second and final year of my course! Which if completed, will give me an equivalent of 3 A levels and more than enough UCAS points to go to the University of which i desire.

There has been some hard times in the first year of college don't be fooled.
Near the end of the first year i was put back on medication to try and calm my tourettes down but got bad side-effects from the medication, drowsinesses, feeling like a zombie, major league depression and much more. So after 2 weeks on the stuff i was taken off and i vow not to go on any more as it does me more harm than good.

One day walking to the Link (a place our course goes to do certain lessons) which is 20 minutes walk away from the actual college itself. I was attacked by a group of chavs. I was walking on my own and my tourettes let out some profown swearing words to the 4 man strong group. They came up to me and pulled out a knife and lunged at me.
I did manage to avoid it ad ran for my life, i have never ran so fast before, luckily they didn't seem to be that fit so they gave up chase after a minute or so.

But i had never been so scared in my life, it was quite horrible to say the least!

But whenever my course friends were with me and someone shouted abuse at me, my god they didn't half stick up for me! I feel so safe around them.

Well, it's going good in the second year so far. Only a week in but seems to be going good..
I will be sure to write more posts for you to read into.

Regards,
Mark

Like walking through a hurricane....

2007-08-29T09:24:00.000+01:00

Hello again,

Recently (as of 2 months ago)
Tourettes has intensified. It's a constant battle against tourettes to sustain it from becoming really bad. I wake up aching from the day before (Either that or i do it in the night) My neck semi stiff, my arms aching, legs sore.

Which makes it very hard to actually get up out of bed. I tend to find i don't do it AS much when i'm on my computer, although i do it quite a lot while playing guitar or the Nintendo Wii.

People always say; 'Why don't you just not do it', well to siply answer that, try catching a bullet in your hands blindfolded. Yes, inpossible. I truly wish it would just, go away. But that hasn't happened yet.
I have actually thrown my guitar through my wardrobe twice this year, which didn't go down too well with my parents! It wasn't that i was angry, it was because i had a tic while playing my guitar, so yeah, end result usually isn't very good!
I use a drinking bottle to drink out of, because many a cups have been smashed or bent.
I have to use plastic plates and bowls as many a plate has been smashed. With the food on :( So i'm left hungry =/

I have OCD so i have morning rituals and night time ones as well. One thing that does completley cheer me up, even though i still tic and swear and grunt when doing it. Is playing the guitar, i absolutly adore playing the guitar, no matter how hard it may be for me to play without doing something to it (It's an early 1970's Rockster model).

Untill next time =]

Comments are apreciated :)

Tourettes in person

2007-08-29T09:20:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone.

Ok, so i've basicly had some form of tic/twitching/grunting since birth, but it only got diagnosed as tourettes when i was 13 going on 14. (16 now) I have tried haloperidol, clonidine, Ritalin, fluphenazine and some others i can't remember. I was on about 12 to 14 tablets a day. And while they might of calmed the ticing and grunting/swearing down, i was turned into a zombie like state, hardly eating, sleeping and that's about it. I was on different set's of medication for about 1 year (I was doing GCSEs at this time) So i basicly missed one years worth of GCSE study, tests. We opted to be taken off the drugs, which took 2 - 3 months to slowly get me off. Due to the medication, i now have short term memory loss and can't actually think straight most of the time So the last year of GCSE's was tough for me, as i had 2 home tutors teaching me Maths, Science, and NVQ english Level 2 (see nas it was inpossible for me to catch up with The GCSE English) I was doing Art, EdExcel ICT, Animations as well. (When i finally got back to Art lessons, all my work had been lost) So i basiclly had to try to redo the first year of Art. I could only do half the ICT course because i missed a year of that.But in the end i got some pretty good GCSE results to say i quite liturally missed year 10. I got Double C in The Double Award for higher Science, C in Intermediate Maths, C in ICT, E in Art (you know why that is), A* in Animations . I passed the NVQ Level 2 English but am waiting to see what the GCSE equivilant is. I got the GCSE's i needed to get into the course in college i am going to do (National Diploma in Multimedia) Which i start next Monday!I don't take ANY medication now, i have got a very servre form of Tourettes, OCD, Short Term memory loss.But i have tourettes, tourettes doesn't have me!

I wouldn't mind meeting other people with tourettes =]