It's been a long time.. to say the least!

Hey everyone,

Sorry I've been inactive here for quite a bit,
Just with, you know; uni and life it's been quite hectic!

Uni has been going quite good tourettes aside, I have achieved 2 A's and I think I was 2 points off another A in a test I had, I might be moving into a flat soon with my friend in Bolton for the rest of the time at Uni, which is quite exciting!

My toruettes has been really bad this past couple of months and it has been ever so hard to cope with.
I had to leave uni one week early for christmas breaks because I couldn't cope where I was alone with my tourettes.

I have been researching the Deep Brain Stimulation and I was going to look into that with doctors and such, but then realized I would have to quit University to have it done, and that is just not going to happen because I know that I wouldn't redo the course.

I just hope it simmers down soon because I want to do well at uni and I want to be able to cope to a certain degree. I'm on some medication to help me sleep, and apaprently help to cool down the toruettes a bit called 'Trifluoperazine' I'm on 1mg once a night and so far it's working with the sleeping and it's made nights so much more bearable.

As before, it would take, quite liturally, three or four hours just to get to sleep, and I would have to bear witness to my tics at their worst laid down.

I'm back at uni after the christmas breaks and I'm looking foward to the future :]

Thanks for your time in reading,
Regards,
Mark

Settling into Uni couldn't be anymore awesome..

Hey guys,

Ok so I've spent two weeks in Halls of Residence now, starting 'properly' at uni from tomorrow.
But I seriously would of never expected to of had this much fun by now and met all the brilliant people I did and the great friends I've made.

It's quite a turn around from 2 weeks ago where I was very much down in the gutters.
I still hold the friends that held me close back then close to me. Because they are worth it, there's only a very few though.

The week after moving in I even went into Manchester with my new friends just to shop about and have a laugh and it was amazing. I've never had any friends who would do that with me or care for me in a group. A very nice, new amazing feeling [:

I love hanging out at there flat and chilling/talking having fun because it's such a change from my past. All this and I've not even got onto how the course ACTUALLY is haha!

Well the course is shaping up to be really great! We will be using 3dsmax which I love anyway, the unreal 2004 editor and possibly 3 editor, I have it just incase :]

The tutors are really laid back and kind and I'm really really looking foward to the rest of the year.

My tourettes is still quite bad though, and has gotten me into trouble on quite a few separate occasions infact!

Luckily I've had my friends near me so I didn't have to face those situations alone like I usually would of had to.

Thank you Rachael, Sophie, Shauni, Grant and Jen =D!

Long may these awesome times continue!

Thanks for reading, hope you comment [:
Regards,
Mark

Well I've gotten into Uni, or have I?

Hello everyone,

Well I rang up Bolton University last Tuesday explaining everything and they said with the 200 points I have I can get a place on the course but they need the verification from UCAS to confirm it.

Results were meant to come out Thursday like everyone else but nope, bot ours, not from North Lindsey. Still, on Monday, NO RESULTS ON UCAS or an email of any sort.

This has made me and several other people that I know very angry with UCAS, because the clearing system will have little to no places left by the time some of us get our results, whenever the hell that will be.

I'm sort of scared and looking foward to Uni at the same time, scared because I don't know how I'll cope with things like cooking, washing up, helping around. But excited because of all the opportunities to make new friends!

I'm home alone for the week as my parents and sister have went on holiday :]
Good times.

Thanks for reading,
If you have any bad thing to say on UCAS please post it :],
Mark

Still so much work to be done explaining Tourettes Syndrome to the public..

i
Ok SO,

I'm not exactly in the BEST of moods at the moment.
Sometimes I get really sick of these ignorant people who think it's ok to pass judgment on somebody because of their actions. And then not bother to think about or accept the reason for their actions.

Like with toruettes, we cannot help what we do. We have no control, or very little over it.

I was walking through my local village today ticing, twitching, grunting, swearing as per usual.
When some idiot tells me to 'stop swearing in public you rude cunt' Well for one, he just shouted back to me in an aggressive tone and he also swore back.

I told him, quite angrily I must admit 'I can't fucking help it' because at that moment in time I got sick of telling everybody that stops me that I can't help it, and this guys friend replies back to me with 'You can, stop been a little attention seeking idiot and stop causing trouble'

I wasn't even going to bother saying I had tourettes because they would of seen it as an excuse and they would of just repeated what they had said in a different manner.

It really is anoyying that sometimes, people with Tourettes, and people that have it bad like I do, get the dirty looks, the smart comments, the rude remarks, and even when we explain what we have and why we are acting that way. SOME still refuse to believe or accept it and either turn to mock our tics or tell us that we can control it and to not do it in public.

This can really anoyy me so much and I'm sure it anoyys fellower Touretters.

True this is only the minority that does this, but walking out in a village or big town, the numbers add up.

It's great when you bump into someone who is understanding but then when you get the ones like I just discussed. It can be increasingly stressful to deal with.

Thank you for reading this little rant/moan.
If you want to comment I would sure love to hear your opinions on the matter.

Regards,
Mark

Uni approaching, hopefully..

Hey everyone,

Ok so I received my 'Student' version of my results. I got an MMP (Merit, Merit, Pass) But I needed Merit Merit Merit to be guaranteed a place. Which is 240 points, I only have 200 points, plus the key skills test which hopefully I get some in.

I have my room in the halls of residence and my student finance ready and waiting. I'm just preying they will accept me. The areas which I excelled in were design, games design and 3d design (digital).

So hopefully they will take that into account. And I'm a bit upset I wasn't put into special consideration while marking. Because I know if I hadn't of had tourettes i would of got MMM no problem. So I will complain if I don't get my place!

Though my Tutors from college have said they haven't known anyone that hasn't got a place on the course they applied for. So fingers crossed hey guys!

Sorry this is short, but not much else to say, summer is going along at a slow pace. Pretty boring tbh!
Waiting for a chque to clear, which takes 7 weeks!!! stupid forgien cheques, oh well another 2 weeks to wait for that.
I have a good feeling about the Uni situation though :]

Thanks for reading,
Mark

Vlog of Tourettes

Hello everyone,

So I have decided, after much thought and people supporting me in saying it will be a good idea,
to make a youtube vlog on my life with tourettes syndrome

I want to help explain not just what tourettes is, but in what way it can effect us.
Not just in the bad ways, but in the good ways aswell.

For example, I've not been ill since I've had Tourettes, coincidence maybe, but something to talk about.

Also my artistic skills have been brought alive since I've had Tourettes.

I'd like to hear your opinions on this, and if you would support me doing this,
I will be doing it regardless but opinions always help =]

Regards,
Mark

End of college, beginning of the rest of my life

Hey everyone,

So I've just finished college, last week the whole of my design department made an exhibition to put on show for everyone, which would show off the best pieces of our work that we had done over the past two years. The exhibition will be up for around 3 weeks though parents and new students starting in September where invited on Thursday night and it was quite scary to be honest!

I couldn't look at my part of the exhibition because people where always around it, and watching the 3D games trailer I had made and also playing my flash game, which I guess isn't a bad thing! But I just couldn't look haha!

Well I've got 3 months until I start University so a lot of free time that's for sure! I got a new guitar early this month, so that makes two I have now! It's called a Schecter Damien B-2, its really good.

Of course, I'm still song writting and I will post one of them at the bottom of this blog, but theres something I would like to discuss.

I was walking down my local towns street when I was grunting and ticing, the usual (It's been pretty bad as of late with all the stress of handing in everything for college)
I heard a few chavy lads walk by mimicing me, I'm not too bothered I don't wanna cause a fight, but then one of the decided to throw a glass bottle at me, it missed thanfully and I was just about ready to turn around and unleash hell on him, but I thought to myself 'is he really worth it?' and walked away.

I just want to know wyour opinions, do you think that's not standing up for myself or do you think it's doing the right thing and not causing a scene?

Well I'd like to know your opinions!
As promised heres another song I wrote:

You and me,
We could of seen it all.
I could picture us standing
Standing so high and so tall.

And everything,
Could of went away,
If i had of been there for you.
And everyone,
They wouldn't have been this way.
If I had of been there for you

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

Can't you breathe once without hurting,
The ones that you love,
And everyone your hurting,
Your beginning to shove, away.

If my path was that simple,
You've torn it in two,
And I can't decide which direction,
And which one would suit you.

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

Please is the word, its so simple
The word that I seem to hear all the time.

Please is the word, your not hearing
The word that I no longer,
Feel I can hide.

And I beg you to stay,
Or please just wish me away,
So no more I feel what I feel inside

Make the pain stop, before I pass out,
Waking up without you by my side.
If I'm dreaming than stop me,
Theres not a lot more places that I can hide.

Don't you think I'm not dying inside,
My lifes built of paper planes
Your pulling the wings off,
They can no longer glide.

My papers so heavy,
The angles acute,
I can't see no way
That I won't fall, is this the end?

Oh I wish you would stay,
But I can't bare a lie,
The truths what I'm hearing.
Then I guess its goodbye..

Thanks for reading, hope to hear what you think,
Regards,
Mark

Thoughts about Univirsity and such

Hello everyone,

Yeah so I'm in my final year at college doing a National Diploma in Interactive Media (formerly known as Multimedia) Currently on my Final Major Project!Which is actually a 3D animation games trailer for a game I had developed in another lesson in the course called games design.

Anyho, I'm really excited about moving out, going to Univirsity and meeting lots of new and wonderful people! You don't get many chances to start again, forget the bad times and leave the people behind that's caused pain in your life. And Uni is THE perfect place to do that!!

I am going to be going to Bolton Univirsity as their games design course is amazing!
THe accomidation's pretty neat too, and nice prices per week to rent. I will be bringing my guitar with me hehe because I have a piece of software on my laptop that allows it to produce different amp tones so I can just plug my guitar into my laptop, plug some earphones in and jam away to myself!

Been doing this Student Finance application last night, real pain in the ass, as well as having to fill in a really big online form, my parents are also required to send all their money earning details inc birth certificates and so forth. Though mind you this is so I can get some student loans and hopefully a few non repayable grants.

My Tourettes has been quite bad this past month and a bit, I think it's because the stress is eating me, with trying to complete any outstanding work for college, my Final Major Project, friend issues etc I've not had time to think it all through and my Tourettes hasn't seemed to respond well to it at all. Hopefully after college is over I will be a tad more calmer which hopefully fingers crossed will keep my Tourettes at bay.

On an ending note, I wonder sometimes; why can't friends just be simple and why in some cases, do they cause more hassle then good?

Thanks for reading this,
Best Regards,
Mark

18, Now I can actually buy things

Hey everyone,

So I'm 18 today (2nd May) Heh, the past 4 years have went by pretty fast and I think things will get better, I mean come on, Uni in less than 6 months!! I'm really excited for that.

Over the past two weeks quite a lot of stuff has happened, some of it has made me happy and glad certain issues are resolved, but others, people, even at the age I'm at, can be so immature it's ridiculous. I will be really glad when i get to Uni, start fresh, meet new people and new friends.

I'm starting my final Major Project for College which is a games trailer for my survival horror game that I made in another class in my course (Games Design) and it's turning out to be quite a fun project, building the environment for my trailer is quite a task but I'm certainly getting there!

Sorry this hasn't been a long or interesting post, but hey, there you go, I guess I'm just a bit busy with the fact I'm finally 18 haha!

Thanks for reading,
Regards
Mark

Quick update, more on song writting

Hello everyone,

Sorry about the inactivity lately, been a bit busy, stuff has happened thats not been too great.
You know, all of that type if thing.

And it's caused me to have quite a witting fit haha.

My tourettes has got considerably worse since the stress has come back,
Finding it hard to have any control over it but I'm looking towards Uni, sort of like my bright light at the end of this very long tunnel.

Any ho,
I would like to share with you some lyrics I wrote about the time I'm going through,
I'm pretty sure my lyrics, if you piece them all together, would make my life story haha.

Enjoy them, tell me what you think, I would love to hear from you!

I won't let this go down beside me,
It just can't go this far,
And everything I ever did for you,
I won't let it be all for this

If I ever had to let you go,
I just hope I wouldn't know.

Where everything you know of me,
Will never truly leave.

I won't let this go down beside me,
This just won't go down without me.

And everything we ever held,
I would hold again without thinking twice.
The lessons I have not learn't
Will come back to haunt me again.

But I just can't let this go down beside me,
And you know I won't let you go.
Not even if you, try,

It doesn't matter how long you wait,
I will never forget you.
It doesn't matter how much you take,
I will still do anything for you.

I won't let this go down beside me,
And I won't let you too.

I still cherish every near miss,
Everything that we once meant.
And I still smile from all those times,
Those times we don't regret.

But now I regret even meeting you,
And all the ache that you've caused.
How I wish that we didn't know
Oh how I wish we never knew...

Shes been all that I can think,
What has she done to me,
I'm thinking alone of all the pain,
But if I'm selfish you've made me that way

If I'm selfish I still want you.

I can't let this go down beside me,
And I won't you go down beside me.

No I can't,
No I won't let this go down,
Beside me....

Regards,
Mark

Tourettes Syndrome and how the media portray it

Is the media giving Tourettes a Syndrome a bad name to the public?

Now Tourettes and Epilepsy are nothing to be ashamed of as people have come to accept these a lot more than say, 50 years ago where you would be looked down on for been different to the rest.

Sadly, in some cases this is still the same. Now obviously people have there own right to look at other people to try and figure out what is the matter with them, to a certain extent. Not to the point where they make rude faces are actually come up to you and tell you to stop.
I myself have Tourettes Syndrome and have been diagnosed now for nearly 4 years. I have Coprolalia

Now it is hard enough trying to walk down the street without groups of people asking me to stop ticing and swearing in public without people like this 'Tourettes Guy' pretending to have Tourettes when he obviously does not have, going into stores and public places with a video camera and purposely verbally assaulting everyone he sees, his sentences are most of the time well structured and in Coprolalia the sentences if said, bear no sense or meaning.


Image from aleuranthropy

And as this 'Tourettes Guy' has become so popular on video streaming sites such as Youtube and Google video, the media has gained a stereotypical view on Tourettes that is involves swearing and bad manners.

Now I know for a fact that 'coprolalia occurs in as low as 5-15% of patients and 5-30% in some clinical series' quote from Tourettes Disorder.com. Now another thing people tend to think as they see me or any other Tourettes sufferer with Coprolalia, is that it is amazing to have, and 'so much fun' and the amount of times I have had to argue this fact is quite amazing, literally hundreds of people have come up to me and said 'Wow you have Tourettes that must be so much fun' and even when I explain it is not, they don't take it seriously.

It is quite obviously not fun having to explain to someone you didn't mean to utter some rude comments at them and that you don't want any trouble all the time.

I have been in some tricky situations thanks to my Tourettes and none of them where fun at all, some even life threatening.

I am sure many of you who live in Britain like I do, have watched Big Brother, and know that somebody with Tourettes Syndrome was on one of the series, called Pete Bennett. He wanted to get his confidence back up and so wanted to show people he was not ashamed of having Tourettes Syndrome so he went on Big Brother and won it, but one of the reasons was public appeal because the public thought Tourettes was 'cute' I don't know how Pete himself felt about this, I would like to know. But it is not cute, it can be funny sometimes yes, I know for a fact some things or actions I do make people laugh and can cheer the day up, but they are laughing with me, not AT me, but it is not cute.

Pete been on big brother has helped raise public awareness of Tourettes Syndrome, hopefully for the better. But more needs to be done


Image from pete-bennett.co.uk/

For those who have to fight on with Tourettes (like me) because no medication will work on them, it is a daily struggle made harder because of the way the Media portrays Tourettes Syndrome, and the way the public view it as because of the media. This does not make it any easier.

And I want to increase awareness about Tourettes Syndrome to everybody that reads this.

And with enough public understanding, maybe this will reduce the stress of our lives (people with Tourettes Syndrome) while walking out in public.

Thank you all very much for reading this and I hope you take your time to visit tourettes-disorder.com/ and read up on Tourettes Syndrome, I am trying to increase awareness of Tourettes and stray it out from what it is been portrayed as in the media.

Thanks for reading, i hope you've learn't something from this,
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Concentration

What is this mysterious link between the two? Will this lead to breakthroughs about Tourettes Syndrome?

Image Source

So, what many people don't know about Tourettes Syndrome is that in most cases, the sufferer can actually be quite skilled in a certain area of music. For example one could be greater accustomed to a piano than somebody not suffering Tourettes Syndrome.

I myself am talented on Guitar and while playing it, helps me to concentrate and reduces the amount of tics I do, both physically and verbally.

Now this does not work all the time because there are days where I tic no matter how hard I concentrate on things. But it is a great getaway from the usual tics and pains that come with them.

I really enjoy playing the guitar and it helps enjoying the thing that relives you from your twitches and tics.

A lot of Tourettes sufferers are very talented playing the Piano and can grow up to be very successful at doing so.

Image Source

But it does not necessarily have to be music that is the only sedative for Tourettes, lots of people notice when they are concentrating on the computer, surfing the internet or playing a game and so on, there Tourettes is not as bad as not doing those activities.

To help control my tics I played video games quite a lot because this would help to ease the twitches and spasms I would and still do get.

The only bad thing about these "methods" of reliving some of the intense pressure of Tourettes, is that almost all the time after the sufferer has finished concentrating on that certain thing, all those withheld tics and twitches all come back at once and you can have quite a bad outburst of a few minutes because of keeping them in, even if you didn't think you where, the whole process of concentrating is in a way holding the Tourettes in; its like when you try to hold the tics in and after a while they all come out at once because you can't hold them in forever.

The thing that still baffles scientists even today is why concentrating can stop tics, what part of the brain is controlling this action and why. If they knew that, there might be a breakthrough in discovering a cure for Tourettes, which as of today has no cure.

Thank you for taking your time to read, if you would like to know more about Tourettes Syndrome then please, visit this link: http://www.tourettes-disorder.com/.

Thank you for reading everybody, i hope you do comment,

Regards,
Mark

Thinking of the future, hating the present

Hello everyone,

Ok, so rough couple of weeks, falling out with a few friends over nothing, some been really immature about everything, and making whatever is wrong to be my fault. But people do that, so yeah i just ignore it.

The future, what a vivid thought, you could spend all day thinking of what you can do with your life, or what you could do if you managed to do something in the present. See; even that small sentence is confusing, but its the thought of the possibility that you won't be able to do what you hope to do that is the scary thing.

With my head the way it is, certain people unable to talk much, which is cool i know I'll catch up with em. But my head builds up much like power, and too much power can overload the system. That's whats starting to happen at the minute, its also bringing back my obsessive thinking, which is not good at all. Too hard to explain but basically i can't block out anything that comes into my head.

I'm also pretty fed up with the surroundings i have, where i live there are no friends nearby, and that is awful. I want to be around my friends, be able to go out after college or at weekends and hang around with them. But thats something for the future, hopefully college will bring a closer group of friends and better surroundings!

Hehe i hope I am able to play my guitar pretty loud in Uni, I'll be gutted otherwise!!

Thanks for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Positive Changes but nasty side effects

Hello everyone,

So I've not been very active this past few weeks, well since i last posted in the middle of January!
But some things have changed, well i went to a gig in Leeds near the end of January to watch Escape the Fate at the Cockpit, it was great! Very fun entertaining night to say the least lol!!

And I'm also in a band, It's only just got itself together and we are still in need of a talented drummer, we only have rough copies of two of our own songs and they are exactly that, rough!! But like with any new band, the more you jam with each other the better you work together and the better you end up sounding!

But I'm also having a hard time in my head, my ocd is really bad this month, the only thing that's on my mind at the moment is leaving home, as much as it makes me look a selfish twat for saying it, i can't stand it here, i can't point my finger on exactly what it is, but it's getting to me, i want to get away from all the bad memories and bad past and start fresh, clean slate, meet new people, new adventures, new problems. But not here, not here.

I've also had the same thing happen that always happens with me, i make a friend, or so i think i have. And the next week they don't speak to me again, you could say that I am getting used to this by now, but it still hurts just as much as ever. My confidence is low because of that, which makes me act weird around my friends, they understand(I hope) but yeah.

Tough times are ahead, but hey, who hasn't got them?
But i guess the band thing is a great positive eh.

I hope if any of my friends read this, that they understand. And also i hope to see my friends more often, it's so annoying not been able to see your friends much, specially the ones you really care about.

Thank you for taking your time in reading this,
Regards,
Mark

A friend i just could NOT live without

Hello everyone,

This is about a friend who has stuck with and by me over these past months and without her i really don't know where i would be right now.

She has always tried to keep me level headed and calm, shes always tried to be there for me and always listened to what i had to say/moan about. I admit we have had our hard times, but seriously; who doesn't?

I am just so thankful to her in every way imaginable. I'm always going to be there for her and hope she knows that, as she is for me.

These tough few months have been made less painful with her company, I don't even want to think what would of happened if she had not been there for me. Thank you, you mean the world to me and not even the world is big enough to show how much gratitude and love and respect i have for you.

Thank you Laura

Well, first post of new year and i have a new tattoo!

Hello everyone,

So this is my first post of the new year and things are a bit dull at the moment , college starts again on Tuesday, nobody knows I've got another tattoo yet so that should be pretty interesting to say the least! I have finally completed some course work that was meant to be handed in 6 months ago, woops.

But yeah, back on subject. The main reason i wanted another tattoo was because i wanted both arms to be decorated, i wanted a tribal tattoo because i like the way they are designed and look, and to me they are appealing, sure it's not super shading and lots of colours but it's what i like and now that i have had it done on my right arm, its a half sleeve size i really do like the look of it1
It took one and a quater hour to complete and obviously hurt but i didn't flinch, apart from my Tourettes but like the previous tattoo i had done, i asked the guy to strap my arm down to the chair, which he kindly did so that helped quite a lot.

I will post pictures up when i have any, and i will be adding to this tattoo, putting objects in and around the tribal design and also adding more tribal around the arm.

It's been fun posting my first blog of 2009 and hope to be posting many more, though hopefully not of the sad kind.

Regards,
Mark

So its Christmas time but...

Hello everyone,

So it's Christmas time again, (yes it happens every year) and i just don't feel it, i guess it's because of my logically minded head and i understand why everyone says Merry Christmas to each other, but i don't do it, i don't see it, everyone knows its Christmas and people automatically turn happy for 24 hours, it's pretty amazing how people can put their problems behind them for a day, and been depressed the next, why don't they take the same enthusiasm that gives Christmas it's name and take it on into everyday life?

I'm not religious see, so i don't really like what the word stands for; Christ-mas. It signals a guy been born that we don't know even exists?
I'm not been a Grinch, as i stated earlier people with hard lives get to enjoy them more for a day, and eat food!

And alot of people do use Christmas as a time to get the expensive toy or item they have been after all year, why? Because they can, it's Christmas!

Th thing i most like about Christmas is the fact all the family get together, even some i never see, just becasue it's Christmas, heck one of them could be a serial killer but that wouldn't bother us for that one day, it's crazy isn't it? It's also a shame families can't get along like that even after Christmas.

Thanks for reading, it's been a bit of an off-topic thing for my blog, comment and discuss

Regards,
Mark

A song i made, its intense

Hello everyone,
This here is a song that i have written
It's about how i feel.

As i stand
And i think
Bout everything done
Everything you saids wrong
Then write me a song
Tell me how much that it sucks
When the world goes fuck up
Your all fucking stuck up
You don't give a shit
Bout the people i met
The people that saw me
The people ignore me
They don't wanna know me
I don't wanna know me
Who wants to know me
Not even she does
The girl that was set
On ruining my life
Making it hell
Its hard to tell
Whats going through her head
Any questions she said
I wanna lay dead
Dead on the table
So write me a label
Make your own fable
I don't give a shit
No more, so ill quit
I don't have it in me
To keep up this gimmick
These angry lyrics
They write there own symphony
Trying to keep up this infamy
To try and get into me


No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

It takes it out of me
I don't have it in me

So shut the fuck up already
My head is pounding
I can't even think straight
Leave me alone
While i try and concentrate
Stop trying to take my life
It is not for sale
And it never will be
My face is so pale
I'm going to pass out
If you don't stop crowding me
Thats what you said to me
Stop it already
I didn't even do nothing
Wasn't anywhere near you
So stop the excuses
So, fucking screw you
I don't even need you
Its like you speak Hebrew
I can't understand you
What your trying to say
Not helping, this pain go away
So stop with the fucks,
And the shit and cunts
And quit with the looks.
You said you wanted me out
And now i will rant
And ill bant and ill chant
All this crap that you told me
That you don't wanna know me
And ill turn it against you
Like you, turned against me
And make you so lonely
You'll cry coz you told me
What you takes what you get
So get this
I've had enough and i quit
Ill curse and ill spit
And be really fucking nasty
Coz i can if you push me
And ill, go berserk
But this, it all works.


I don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

Yeah,

No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

I don't have it in me
See you can't win me


Thanks for reading, maybe tell me what you think?
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Friends...

Hello everyone

Ok so as I'm sure everybody with Toruettes knows, it's not exactly easy to make friends because of the way people judge you, now obviously not everybody is going to do this but the people who i have made friends with over the past two or three months, a week or two after, have ditched me becasue they either can't 'cope' with my tourettes or the way i am.

Now obviously this is very distressing to anybody but even more so to me becasue i find it hard enough to make and keep friends without people bailing on me like that.
And when i get the feeling I depress my friends when i am around them, is even more horrid.
I try and be positive minded and as upbeat as i can but latley that has become undoable.

I try my best to make my friends happy and sometimes that's just not good enough,
And when people find it so easy to make other people laugh and make them happy, I do sometimes wish i would of never had Tourettes in the first place, but i do, and its here to stay and i will fight it and battle the world to change the way Tourettes is looked at because I'm not ashamed I have it at all.

But I just wish friends would be more supportive about it all.

There's one person that is, but i get the feeling she is starting to not enjoy my company and would rather be around other people as i get the feeling i don't make her happy like I used to, this may be because of what I've been through in the past two months but that's no excuse from me.
I really hope that this is not the case and she feels the same as she did then as she means the world to me.
But it's happened before, my 'friends' find other people who make them happy and laugh and upbeat and then think 'why am i friends with this person who has Toruettes and doesn't make me happy?' and BANG before I know it, their gone.

I hope if i ever get there, University brings the goodness out of people and i meet great people who lift my mood up, because i need my friends close at the minute and they are so hard to come by, don't worry, Tourettes is not going to win, my character is stronger than any metal on this planet.

Thank you for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Offset Distractions

Hello Everyone,

Over the past week or so, I have had this quite horrible feeling in me, this ticking, constant thoughts in the back of my head, you know they are there because no matter how hard you try to focus/distract your mind, you always remember what you where been down about, which inevitably brings you back down again.

The thoughts and feeling I have are in no way my fault, the feelings I have had for over a year now, been building up inside me because I was too weak to let them out and now it has gotten to the point where my mind is completely blocked and now I can't concentrate on College Work, what makes it worse is that I feel somebody is giving me the cold shoulder, my suspension is that the person is mad or angry at me, for what I do not know, and if it is about my feelings, I don't know why they would be angry, and that the person would ask me.

But I get no replies, no responses, when I try to sort this developing problem out, I get no help from the 'other' side, So I'm kind of stuck in this emotionally draining pit until it gets sorted out, which I want it to be, I know the person doesn't like been this way with me and that they would want it sorted too, but I can't do it by myself, it needs co-operation from both sides.

Having OCD really does NOT help at all, because no matter how much I try to erase everything from my head and heart, my OCD just pounds them back in, I hope this gets sorted soon as it is getting quite ridiculous to say the least.

Thank you for reading and if 'you' are reading, please understand and talk to me so we can get things sorted.

Regards,
Mark