Thinking of the future, hating the present

Hello everyone,

Ok, so rough couple of weeks, falling out with a few friends over nothing, some been really immature about everything, and making whatever is wrong to be my fault. But people do that, so yeah i just ignore it.

The future, what a vivid thought, you could spend all day thinking of what you can do with your life, or what you could do if you managed to do something in the present. See; even that small sentence is confusing, but its the thought of the possibility that you won't be able to do what you hope to do that is the scary thing.

With my head the way it is, certain people unable to talk much, which is cool i know I'll catch up with em. But my head builds up much like power, and too much power can overload the system. That's whats starting to happen at the minute, its also bringing back my obsessive thinking, which is not good at all. Too hard to explain but basically i can't block out anything that comes into my head.

I'm also pretty fed up with the surroundings i have, where i live there are no friends nearby, and that is awful. I want to be around my friends, be able to go out after college or at weekends and hang around with them. But thats something for the future, hopefully college will bring a closer group of friends and better surroundings!

Hehe i hope I am able to play my guitar pretty loud in Uni, I'll be gutted otherwise!!

Thanks for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Positive Changes but nasty side effects

Hello everyone,

So I've not been very active this past few weeks, well since i last posted in the middle of January!
But some things have changed, well i went to a gig in Leeds near the end of January to watch Escape the Fate at the Cockpit, it was great! Very fun entertaining night to say the least lol!!

And I'm also in a band, It's only just got itself together and we are still in need of a talented drummer, we only have rough copies of two of our own songs and they are exactly that, rough!! But like with any new band, the more you jam with each other the better you work together and the better you end up sounding!

But I'm also having a hard time in my head, my ocd is really bad this month, the only thing that's on my mind at the moment is leaving home, as much as it makes me look a selfish twat for saying it, i can't stand it here, i can't point my finger on exactly what it is, but it's getting to me, i want to get away from all the bad memories and bad past and start fresh, clean slate, meet new people, new adventures, new problems. But not here, not here.

I've also had the same thing happen that always happens with me, i make a friend, or so i think i have. And the next week they don't speak to me again, you could say that I am getting used to this by now, but it still hurts just as much as ever. My confidence is low because of that, which makes me act weird around my friends, they understand(I hope) but yeah.

Tough times are ahead, but hey, who hasn't got them?
But i guess the band thing is a great positive eh.

I hope if any of my friends read this, that they understand. And also i hope to see my friends more often, it's so annoying not been able to see your friends much, specially the ones you really care about.

Thank you for taking your time in reading this,
Regards,
Mark

Like walking through a hurricane....

Hello again,

Recently (as of 2 months ago)
Tourettes has intensified. It's a constant battle against tourettes to sustain it from becoming really bad. I wake up aching from the day before (Either that or i do it in the night) My neck semi stiff, my arms aching, legs sore.

Which makes it very hard to actually get up out of bed. I tend to find i don't do it AS much when i'm on my computer, although i do it quite a lot while playing guitar or the Nintendo Wii.

People always say; 'Why don't you just not do it', well to siply answer that, try catching a bullet in your hands blindfolded. Yes, inpossible. I truly wish it would just, go away. But that hasn't happened yet.
I have actually thrown my guitar through my wardrobe twice this year, which didn't go down too well with my parents! It wasn't that i was angry, it was because i had a tic while playing my guitar, so yeah, end result usually isn't very good!
I use a drinking bottle to drink out of, because many a cups have been smashed or bent.
I have to use plastic plates and bowls as many a plate has been smashed. With the food on :( So i'm left hungry =/

I have OCD so i have morning rituals and night time ones as well. One thing that does completley cheer me up, even though i still tic and swear and grunt when doing it. Is playing the guitar, i absolutly adore playing the guitar, no matter how hard it may be for me to play without doing something to it (It's an early 1970's Rockster model).

Untill next time =]

Comments are apreciated :)