So its Christmas time but...

Hello everyone,

So it's Christmas time again, (yes it happens every year) and i just don't feel it, i guess it's because of my logically minded head and i understand why everyone says Merry Christmas to each other, but i don't do it, i don't see it, everyone knows its Christmas and people automatically turn happy for 24 hours, it's pretty amazing how people can put their problems behind them for a day, and been depressed the next, why don't they take the same enthusiasm that gives Christmas it's name and take it on into everyday life?

I'm not religious see, so i don't really like what the word stands for; Christ-mas. It signals a guy been born that we don't know even exists?
I'm not been a Grinch, as i stated earlier people with hard lives get to enjoy them more for a day, and eat food!

And alot of people do use Christmas as a time to get the expensive toy or item they have been after all year, why? Because they can, it's Christmas!

Th thing i most like about Christmas is the fact all the family get together, even some i never see, just becasue it's Christmas, heck one of them could be a serial killer but that wouldn't bother us for that one day, it's crazy isn't it? It's also a shame families can't get along like that even after Christmas.

Thanks for reading, it's been a bit of an off-topic thing for my blog, comment and discuss

Regards,
Mark

A song i made, its intense

Hello everyone,
This here is a song that i have written
It's about how i feel.

As i stand
And i think
Bout everything done
Everything you saids wrong
Then write me a song
Tell me how much that it sucks
When the world goes fuck up
Your all fucking stuck up
You don't give a shit
Bout the people i met
The people that saw me
The people ignore me
They don't wanna know me
I don't wanna know me
Who wants to know me
Not even she does
The girl that was set
On ruining my life
Making it hell
Its hard to tell
Whats going through her head
Any questions she said
I wanna lay dead
Dead on the table
So write me a label
Make your own fable
I don't give a shit
No more, so ill quit
I don't have it in me
To keep up this gimmick
These angry lyrics
They write there own symphony
Trying to keep up this infamy
To try and get into me


No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

It takes it out of me
I don't have it in me

So shut the fuck up already
My head is pounding
I can't even think straight
Leave me alone
While i try and concentrate
Stop trying to take my life
It is not for sale
And it never will be
My face is so pale
I'm going to pass out
If you don't stop crowding me
Thats what you said to me
Stop it already
I didn't even do nothing
Wasn't anywhere near you
So stop the excuses
So, fucking screw you
I don't even need you
Its like you speak Hebrew
I can't understand you
What your trying to say
Not helping, this pain go away
So stop with the fucks,
And the shit and cunts
And quit with the looks.
You said you wanted me out
And now i will rant
And ill bant and ill chant
All this crap that you told me
That you don't wanna know me
And ill turn it against you
Like you, turned against me
And make you so lonely
You'll cry coz you told me
What you takes what you get
So get this
I've had enough and i quit
Ill curse and ill spit
And be really fucking nasty
Coz i can if you push me
And ill, go berserk
But this, it all works.


I don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

Yeah,

No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

I don't have it in me
See you can't win me


Thanks for reading, maybe tell me what you think?
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Friends...

Hello everyone

Ok so as I'm sure everybody with Toruettes knows, it's not exactly easy to make friends because of the way people judge you, now obviously not everybody is going to do this but the people who i have made friends with over the past two or three months, a week or two after, have ditched me becasue they either can't 'cope' with my tourettes or the way i am.

Now obviously this is very distressing to anybody but even more so to me becasue i find it hard enough to make and keep friends without people bailing on me like that.
And when i get the feeling I depress my friends when i am around them, is even more horrid.
I try and be positive minded and as upbeat as i can but latley that has become undoable.

I try my best to make my friends happy and sometimes that's just not good enough,
And when people find it so easy to make other people laugh and make them happy, I do sometimes wish i would of never had Tourettes in the first place, but i do, and its here to stay and i will fight it and battle the world to change the way Tourettes is looked at because I'm not ashamed I have it at all.

But I just wish friends would be more supportive about it all.

There's one person that is, but i get the feeling she is starting to not enjoy my company and would rather be around other people as i get the feeling i don't make her happy like I used to, this may be because of what I've been through in the past two months but that's no excuse from me.
I really hope that this is not the case and she feels the same as she did then as she means the world to me.
But it's happened before, my 'friends' find other people who make them happy and laugh and upbeat and then think 'why am i friends with this person who has Toruettes and doesn't make me happy?' and BANG before I know it, their gone.

I hope if i ever get there, University brings the goodness out of people and i meet great people who lift my mood up, because i need my friends close at the minute and they are so hard to come by, don't worry, Tourettes is not going to win, my character is stronger than any metal on this planet.

Thank you for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Offset Distractions

Hello Everyone,

Over the past week or so, I have had this quite horrible feeling in me, this ticking, constant thoughts in the back of my head, you know they are there because no matter how hard you try to focus/distract your mind, you always remember what you where been down about, which inevitably brings you back down again.

The thoughts and feeling I have are in no way my fault, the feelings I have had for over a year now, been building up inside me because I was too weak to let them out and now it has gotten to the point where my mind is completely blocked and now I can't concentrate on College Work, what makes it worse is that I feel somebody is giving me the cold shoulder, my suspension is that the person is mad or angry at me, for what I do not know, and if it is about my feelings, I don't know why they would be angry, and that the person would ask me.

But I get no replies, no responses, when I try to sort this developing problem out, I get no help from the 'other' side, So I'm kind of stuck in this emotionally draining pit until it gets sorted out, which I want it to be, I know the person doesn't like been this way with me and that they would want it sorted too, but I can't do it by myself, it needs co-operation from both sides.

Having OCD really does NOT help at all, because no matter how much I try to erase everything from my head and heart, my OCD just pounds them back in, I hope this gets sorted soon as it is getting quite ridiculous to say the least.

Thank you for reading and if 'you' are reading, please understand and talk to me so we can get things sorted.

Regards,
Mark

Such a strange hobby...

Hello Everyone,

With tourettes syndrome, I get quite bad OCD in some areas, such as having things in a certain way the way I want them, I can detect wether or not something has been moved in the slightest.

Now when I'm stressed or angry (which is quite a lot this past month) I tend to write songs, it comes naturally, depending on the mood I'm in, the song will come out like that mood. The lyrics sometimes can actually be quite catchy and I have a tendency to have them all saved in a certain folder, there must be hundreds by now, all put into different categories, by genre, mood, type, speed. Quite obsessive if I must say so myself!

Writing songs always helps to distress me as well so it's sort of a win win situation. The only problem is I don't know what to do with all these songs lying around like a lost cause!

This week has been quite tough and I have wrote about 40 songs, it's actually getting quite bad now!

Thank you for reading and taking your time, comments are welcome

Regards,
Mark

A moderate Worry

Hello everyone,

Now last week, on Thursday, my eyes did the thing where they would roll into the back of my head and completely piss me off.

But this time the pain was nothing i have ever felt, it was so unbearable, while i was trying to direct myself inside Ashby Link (where i was for college that day) i nearly passed out on the road, i had to bite my tongue to stop it.

When i got up to the second floor and sat on a chair waiting for lesson to start, the tutor came out and asked if i was ok, i couldn't speak because the pain was that bad so my body cried for me so he knew something was up.

Well eventually my mum came and they called the Paramedics,
i was put on Oxygen for half an hour while various tests where made on my blood,
i was barley conscious while the Paramedic was doing this. My friend was holding my hand but i couldn't feel her hand because the pain was taking over every nerve in my body.

The Paramedic said i did not need to go to Hospital, so when i eventually had the ability to stand up, i was escorted to my mothers car and we drove to my consultant at my local doctors.
She suggested i could have a form of epilepsy... which i will most likely be having tests done in November when i go to see the neurologist about my Tourettes again.. so basically i have Tourettes, OCD, and now worrying about the possibility of having Epilepsy. Great eh?

Thanks for taking your time in reading this post, i hope you can also take the time to comment as well.

Regards,
Mark

OCD and it's apparent Burdens....

Hello everyone,

Well as some of you may already know, people with Tourettes usually always have OCD as well (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Now OCD can be a very annoying and stressful thing to have to deal with, for instance i have a mobile phone to text my friends and so on, and i have this obsession with people replying to my texts, and if they don't I get really stressed and text them again, and so forth, now this is very frustrating for me as it can be very unpleasant for the recipient, but then again why wouldn't they text back?
If they have low battery, battery is dead, busy, don't have there phone on them, this doesn't stop it, because my OCD is telling me to do this, and I hope my friends understand this and text back eventually.

There has been fallouts over this in the past with various friends, but MOST of the time it's got sorted.

There is also this obsession in which I need to do a certain amount of press ups each day depending on what type of day it is and how busy I will be in the day, This can be very tiring and embarrassing, specially when I wake up and have to do some straight away and all my muscles are still hurting from sleeping.

I have some common obsessions like having to wash my hands and clean my teeth a certain way, and tidying my room in a specific way too.

If any of my friends are reading this, I hope you understand a bit more on why I can be a bit weird/awkward sometimes and hope you will understand this.

Medication? I have tried it for OCD and gives me the same horrible effects as it did when I took medication for my Tourettes, so medication in general is a big NO NO for me

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hope you could leave a comment

Regards,
Mark