So its Christmas time but...

Hello everyone,

So it's Christmas time again, (yes it happens every year) and i just don't feel it, i guess it's because of my logically minded head and i understand why everyone says Merry Christmas to each other, but i don't do it, i don't see it, everyone knows its Christmas and people automatically turn happy for 24 hours, it's pretty amazing how people can put their problems behind them for a day, and been depressed the next, why don't they take the same enthusiasm that gives Christmas it's name and take it on into everyday life?

I'm not religious see, so i don't really like what the word stands for; Christ-mas. It signals a guy been born that we don't know even exists?
I'm not been a Grinch, as i stated earlier people with hard lives get to enjoy them more for a day, and eat food!

And alot of people do use Christmas as a time to get the expensive toy or item they have been after all year, why? Because they can, it's Christmas!

Th thing i most like about Christmas is the fact all the family get together, even some i never see, just becasue it's Christmas, heck one of them could be a serial killer but that wouldn't bother us for that one day, it's crazy isn't it? It's also a shame families can't get along like that even after Christmas.

Thanks for reading, it's been a bit of an off-topic thing for my blog, comment and discuss

Regards,
Mark

A song i made, its intense

Hello everyone,
This here is a song that i have written
It's about how i feel.

As i stand
And i think
Bout everything done
Everything you saids wrong
Then write me a song
Tell me how much that it sucks
When the world goes fuck up
Your all fucking stuck up
You don't give a shit
Bout the people i met
The people that saw me
The people ignore me
They don't wanna know me
I don't wanna know me
Who wants to know me
Not even she does
The girl that was set
On ruining my life
Making it hell
Its hard to tell
Whats going through her head
Any questions she said
I wanna lay dead
Dead on the table
So write me a label
Make your own fable
I don't give a shit
No more, so ill quit
I don't have it in me
To keep up this gimmick
These angry lyrics
They write there own symphony
Trying to keep up this infamy
To try and get into me


No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

It takes it out of me
I don't have it in me

So shut the fuck up already
My head is pounding
I can't even think straight
Leave me alone
While i try and concentrate
Stop trying to take my life
It is not for sale
And it never will be
My face is so pale
I'm going to pass out
If you don't stop crowding me
Thats what you said to me
Stop it already
I didn't even do nothing
Wasn't anywhere near you
So stop the excuses
So, fucking screw you
I don't even need you
Its like you speak Hebrew
I can't understand you
What your trying to say
Not helping, this pain go away
So stop with the fucks,
And the shit and cunts
And quit with the looks.
You said you wanted me out
And now i will rant
And ill bant and ill chant
All this crap that you told me
That you don't wanna know me
And ill turn it against you
Like you, turned against me
And make you so lonely
You'll cry coz you told me
What you takes what you get
So get this
I've had enough and i quit
Ill curse and ill spit
And be really fucking nasty
Coz i can if you push me
And ill, go berserk
But this, it all works.


I don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

Yeah,

No i don't have it in me,
No more shall i try hard,
Why do i sit?
At this table and write all this shit
But it works,
And it tells, in itself.

I don't have it in me
See you can't win me


Thanks for reading, maybe tell me what you think?
Regards,
Mark

Tourettes and Friends...

Hello everyone

Ok so as I'm sure everybody with Toruettes knows, it's not exactly easy to make friends because of the way people judge you, now obviously not everybody is going to do this but the people who i have made friends with over the past two or three months, a week or two after, have ditched me becasue they either can't 'cope' with my tourettes or the way i am.

Now obviously this is very distressing to anybody but even more so to me becasue i find it hard enough to make and keep friends without people bailing on me like that.
And when i get the feeling I depress my friends when i am around them, is even more horrid.
I try and be positive minded and as upbeat as i can but latley that has become undoable.

I try my best to make my friends happy and sometimes that's just not good enough,
And when people find it so easy to make other people laugh and make them happy, I do sometimes wish i would of never had Tourettes in the first place, but i do, and its here to stay and i will fight it and battle the world to change the way Tourettes is looked at because I'm not ashamed I have it at all.

But I just wish friends would be more supportive about it all.

There's one person that is, but i get the feeling she is starting to not enjoy my company and would rather be around other people as i get the feeling i don't make her happy like I used to, this may be because of what I've been through in the past two months but that's no excuse from me.
I really hope that this is not the case and she feels the same as she did then as she means the world to me.
But it's happened before, my 'friends' find other people who make them happy and laugh and upbeat and then think 'why am i friends with this person who has Toruettes and doesn't make me happy?' and BANG before I know it, their gone.

I hope if i ever get there, University brings the goodness out of people and i meet great people who lift my mood up, because i need my friends close at the minute and they are so hard to come by, don't worry, Tourettes is not going to win, my character is stronger than any metal on this planet.

Thank you for reading,
Regards,
Mark

Offset Distractions

Hello Everyone,

Over the past week or so, I have had this quite horrible feeling in me, this ticking, constant thoughts in the back of my head, you know they are there because no matter how hard you try to focus/distract your mind, you always remember what you where been down about, which inevitably brings you back down again.

The thoughts and feeling I have are in no way my fault, the feelings I have had for over a year now, been building up inside me because I was too weak to let them out and now it has gotten to the point where my mind is completely blocked and now I can't concentrate on College Work, what makes it worse is that I feel somebody is giving me the cold shoulder, my suspension is that the person is mad or angry at me, for what I do not know, and if it is about my feelings, I don't know why they would be angry, and that the person would ask me.

But I get no replies, no responses, when I try to sort this developing problem out, I get no help from the 'other' side, So I'm kind of stuck in this emotionally draining pit until it gets sorted out, which I want it to be, I know the person doesn't like been this way with me and that they would want it sorted too, but I can't do it by myself, it needs co-operation from both sides.

Having OCD really does NOT help at all, because no matter how much I try to erase everything from my head and heart, my OCD just pounds them back in, I hope this gets sorted soon as it is getting quite ridiculous to say the least.

Thank you for reading and if 'you' are reading, please understand and talk to me so we can get things sorted.

Regards,
Mark

Such a strange hobby...

Hello Everyone,

With tourettes syndrome, I get quite bad OCD in some areas, such as having things in a certain way the way I want them, I can detect wether or not something has been moved in the slightest.

Now when I'm stressed or angry (which is quite a lot this past month) I tend to write songs, it comes naturally, depending on the mood I'm in, the song will come out like that mood. The lyrics sometimes can actually be quite catchy and I have a tendency to have them all saved in a certain folder, there must be hundreds by now, all put into different categories, by genre, mood, type, speed. Quite obsessive if I must say so myself!

Writing songs always helps to distress me as well so it's sort of a win win situation. The only problem is I don't know what to do with all these songs lying around like a lost cause!

This week has been quite tough and I have wrote about 40 songs, it's actually getting quite bad now!

Thank you for reading and taking your time, comments are welcome

Regards,
Mark

A moderate Worry

Hello everyone,

Now last week, on Thursday, my eyes did the thing where they would roll into the back of my head and completely piss me off.

But this time the pain was nothing i have ever felt, it was so unbearable, while i was trying to direct myself inside Ashby Link (where i was for college that day) i nearly passed out on the road, i had to bite my tongue to stop it.

When i got up to the second floor and sat on a chair waiting for lesson to start, the tutor came out and asked if i was ok, i couldn't speak because the pain was that bad so my body cried for me so he knew something was up.

Well eventually my mum came and they called the Paramedics,
i was put on Oxygen for half an hour while various tests where made on my blood,
i was barley conscious while the Paramedic was doing this. My friend was holding my hand but i couldn't feel her hand because the pain was taking over every nerve in my body.

The Paramedic said i did not need to go to Hospital, so when i eventually had the ability to stand up, i was escorted to my mothers car and we drove to my consultant at my local doctors.
She suggested i could have a form of epilepsy... which i will most likely be having tests done in November when i go to see the neurologist about my Tourettes again.. so basically i have Tourettes, OCD, and now worrying about the possibility of having Epilepsy. Great eh?

Thanks for taking your time in reading this post, i hope you can also take the time to comment as well.

Regards,
Mark

OCD and it's apparent Burdens....

Hello everyone,

Well as some of you may already know, people with Tourettes usually always have OCD as well (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Now OCD can be a very annoying and stressful thing to have to deal with, for instance i have a mobile phone to text my friends and so on, and i have this obsession with people replying to my texts, and if they don't I get really stressed and text them again, and so forth, now this is very frustrating for me as it can be very unpleasant for the recipient, but then again why wouldn't they text back?
If they have low battery, battery is dead, busy, don't have there phone on them, this doesn't stop it, because my OCD is telling me to do this, and I hope my friends understand this and text back eventually.

There has been fallouts over this in the past with various friends, but MOST of the time it's got sorted.

There is also this obsession in which I need to do a certain amount of press ups each day depending on what type of day it is and how busy I will be in the day, This can be very tiring and embarrassing, specially when I wake up and have to do some straight away and all my muscles are still hurting from sleeping.

I have some common obsessions like having to wash my hands and clean my teeth a certain way, and tidying my room in a specific way too.

If any of my friends are reading this, I hope you understand a bit more on why I can be a bit weird/awkward sometimes and hope you will understand this.

Medication? I have tried it for OCD and gives me the same horrible effects as it did when I took medication for my Tourettes, so medication in general is a big NO NO for me

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hope you could leave a comment

Regards,
Mark

Ok, this has pissed me off...

Hello everyone,

Ok i can take people shoveling verbal abuse at me when i walk in town or wherever, because it's only verbal.

But seriously, why do people SPIT at me, i mean come on? Low life or what? I wish these random fagots would grow the hell up or die trying because this is SO annoying, i don't want to have to wipe spit of me just from walking through town, it's ridiculous and un-called for...

I'm not the violent type, but the next person that spits on me, they will be having an angry fist in there face.

Thank you for reading and comment or discuss if you want

Regards,
Mark

Passers By...

Hello everyone,

Now was people with Tourettes know, it can be very intimidating and quite annoying walking down a public street. For one, unless your a complete sociopath with no life, no matter how much you said it doesn't, you always get that intimidated feeling that the people who stare at you think you're a psychotic nutjob. Having theses feelings isn't the greatest thing in the world, but neither is it the worst.

The worst is when you get these idiots come up to you and start mimicking what you do and say/chant or whatever. Now i generally tend to ignore these people but sometimes it gets too much and i turn around and say in the not so friendliest of manners 'I have Tourettes, do you think i like been like this' and sometimes that still doesn't stop them, so i just walk on, uncomfortable until i finally get to the destination i was heading towards.

With my friends, it's a different story, i don't really care what i do or what people think of me when i do it because i have people i know and hold close to me alongside. Besides usually if someone says something or mimics while they are around, they get the shouting of there life thrown at them by my friends. I thank my friends for sticking up for me and not taking no shit, so if your read this. You know who you are.

If people would just know a bit more about Tourettes then I'm sure it wouldn't be so bad for us folks with the condition (i stray away from the word disease because that's so false to what Tourettes actually is)
As you can tell I'm actually quite angry today.

Thank you for your time reading this, if you want, drop me a comment as I really will appreciate it.

Regards,
Mark

Parents Undermeaning

Hello everyone,

Now I'm sure a lot of you have been annoyed with your parents at some stage in your lives.
But I'm afraid that for me, it's most of the time.

When i first developed the symptoms for Tourettes Syndrome, my parents would think i was twitching and grunting for the sake of it and so would tell me to shut up, or go to my room. Now obviously this was absolutely horrible and i always felt so enraged with them.

When i got diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome it helped a bit, i mean they knew i couldn't help it, my dad though always thought i could control it to a sufficient form. Which i got very aggravated about because i would always have to repeat myself to him and sometimes my Mother would too, but been a Male he would refuse to take it in.
It actually took about a year after been diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome for my dad to actually stop and think 'oh wait, he can't actually help it'

This was comforting to know to say the least, but still up until this day i feel restricted around my family so much, my sister swears at me because i do it, and says she can do it too, which it appears my Mother doesn't give a shit about.
Every night i watch television alone because to be quite honest, i don't enjoy family time anymore. I feel really self conscious walking around at night time with the knowledge that i will most likely wake my parents up and get yelled at for something i can't help, fair enough it must be annoyed to get awoken at night, but they should understand by now i CANNOT HELP IT, i feel so paranoid around my own home now it's not even funny.

Yes my parents (mainly Mother) have supported me through tough times and do a lot for me, but using that as an excuse all the time when i try and reason with them is not on.

Thank you for taking your time to read and hope you post your thoughts on this.

Regards,
Mark

To be Still....

Hello everyone,

One thing i have always wanted to be able to do, even if it was just for a day. Was to know what it felt like to be still again. Without the twitching, without the eyes rolling back, without the throat clearing and the swearing/screaming.

I long to have a yogurt without throwing the spoon across the room, or trying to drink a milkshake without spilling it across the carpet. Or even just drinking out of a normal cup/glass without the chance of me throwing the drink/glass everywhere. I wish i didn't have to use a bottle to drink out of, as i can throw it and it won't break, and juice won't spill everywhere.

I feel so bad when people have to do things for me, like make my dinner because i will get the food everywhere because i can't keep still. Especially when I'm at my friends house and i pick what i want to eat and she makes it. I get scared people will start to think i am a liability or a burden.

If i had 3 wishes from a genie, i know what one of them would be....

Thank you for taking your time and reading, hope you comment.

Regards,
Mark

The Restrictions i Face

Hello everyone,

Now i am 17 and I am unable to learn to drive as it is currently unsafe for me to do so, because yes you got it right, my tourettes.
I understand this and i don't think given the choice, i would want to because if what could happen.

Though i know i will drive one day and this is one of my ambitions in life!

Another thing that gets me quite upset and annoyed is the fact sometimes playing my guitar, somedays my tourettes is really bad, that i can't concentrate on playing the guitar, or my playing skills are reduced quite a bit.

I've always wanted to know what i would be like on stage, in-front of people and how my tourettes would act, and how the spectators would act. I mean, will i ever join a band? What happens then, i can't say sorry if i tic on stage and mess up a song can i?

I guess time will tell with this.

I really would love to play the guitar fine everyday without the interruption of my tourettes but this is just not possible..

Thank you for taking your time to read and hope you comment on this.

Regards,
Mark

My Tattoo

Hello everyone,

For my 17th birthday (yes i know, naughty hehe!) i got a tattoo.
This was in May and i had the tattoo on my left shoulder.
In which the tattoo said 'Tourettes on Fire in Iron Maiden font' in between the text was the Skull of the band 'The Offspring's' logo. All in black.

Now it hurt like i expected it to, and i asked to have both arms strapped down so they wouldn't tic and knock anything or put me at risk.
The tattoo session lasted around 40 minutes and even though it was very painful i really didn't mind the pain as it is what i have become accustomed to throughout my years with tourettes.

My friends absolutely loved it and say it shows that I'm not ashamed of having tourettes. Which is completely true! That's the reason i had it done, to show the world i have tourettes and am not ashamed to have it.

I'm thinking of getting another one once i accumulate enough money!

Also i shall put up a photo of the tattoo once i upload it to my computer when my phone decides to work again!

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hope you comment/reply to this post!

Regards,
Mark

To be looked at differently...

Hello everyone,

Now, having tourettes, I am very much used to been looked at differently.

But my god i do get so annoyed every time someone comes up to me and goes 'hey do you have tourettes?' and i reply 'yes'. Which to that they reply 'OH MY GOD say something funny' or 'do something funny that people with tourettes do'; now i really hate this stereotyping of tourettes sufferers in where everybody thinks you can act like an idiot and swear to random strangers.

The swearing side of tourettes only effects around 15% of people with tourettes, and just the fact everybody thinks you can say funny things and get away with anything is beyond me.

And also when people ask if i have tourettes and i reply with 'yes i do' they go 'oh awesome that must be so ace/fun' and i ALWAYS reply with 'no it really sucks' and they walk away.

Why would constant muscle spasms, neck twitching, stomach churning and grunting be great fun to have? The way tourettes gets portrayed to the public eye is shocking, deeming tourettes as the swearing syndrome, which everyone would 'love' to have.
I just wish there was a way of getting it out to the public it is quite serious and something people need to be made aware of.

I'm always so scared walking through town that i might say something to someone who won't take it to heart.
It's happened before, it will happen again.

Thank you for reading and i hope you can comment/reply to this post.

Regards,
Mark

Me and my Guitar

Hello everyone,

As some of you know, i play the guitar. It's a passion, it helps subdue my tourettes while i do it, over the past year a lot of my friends, and my ex guitar teacher has told me how much i have improved in playing.

My playing style has also changed quite dramatically as well.
I have become very passionate with the Metal genre of music.

Gaining influences from bands like Bullet for my Valentine, Metallica, Slipknot, In Flames, Daath, Atryu and so forth.

I practice every day and sometimes hours on end because it just takes me into a world of my own, the music just comes into my head and out through my fingers, binding me to the guitar like husband to wife.

My current guitars are an Epiphone G-400 in Cherry(i use this one an awful lot), Cruiser Stratocaster by Crafter, refurbished Gibson Les Paul Studio with replaced neck.

I am gathering the money together to buy my dream guitar, a BC Rich WMD Warbeast. From the moment i saw and played this guitar i fell in love with it. The feel, the tone, the quality!

The one think i do get a bit down about is the fact i feel like my talent is gone unwanted/noticed because i am not in a band yet, and haven't ever been. This is one thing i would absolutely love to do! If you live inside of South Yorkshire, near Scunthorpe and looking for an experienced and dedicated guitarist, could you inform me here please? It would mean so much to be with a group of musicians practicing and composing music together!

I love to make new music up every day, and the music i compose changes according to my mood.

Also i would like to mention i thin kit is true what they say, people with Tourettes have a gift in music, i love playing my guitar, and i can also play the Drums, they both relax me so much.

Comments are appreciated

Regards,
Mark

So called friends

Hello everyone,

Now over this past year, mainly past 6 months, i have had so many friends leave my side because of my tourettes, for reasons ranging from they can't handle it any more to 'i feel embarrassed been with you' now obviously this is going to hurt me a lot. And sometimes i just cannot understand why people do this type of thing.

I am so lucky i have a few true friends that stick by me through everything, i guess you can only find good in some people.

Some of those so called friends even deiced to text message me saying how great there life was without me in it. And i think to myself; 'why bother wasting your time texting me then?' I just don't get some people. I guess that's life though.

What do you all think?
Is this type of thing unnecessary and rude?

Regards,
Mark

Life in College...

Hello everybody,

Now i know i haven't been online for quite some time now, but I'm back and intend to keep it that way!
I've been through my first year of college in the time it's taken me to write this third blog.

So much to say, so much to write but it will all be worth it!
As you've gathered by now i have full blown Tourettes Syndrome.

I joined North Lindsey College (located in Scunthorpe) to take a National Diploma in Multimedia(now renamed Interactive Media). This course focuses on design work, for example, image manipulation in Adobe Photoshop to creating interactive websites in Macromedia Flash.

The first day of College was quite a nervous one for myself, as i had no idea of what the students in my course would think of me as, with my ticing and vocal grunting/swearing. But i am very relieved to say that they are a great bunch of people! They took me in, didn't care about my tourettes, it didn't bother them, they didn't make fun out of it but had fun with me.

Such a different experience from school life. The course tutors were very welcoming of me, because i can't draw for the amount of ticking i do, i am allowed to do digital drawings on a computer instead. Which saves a lot of stress i can tell you!

I have made so many friends in College, i have made two best friends who i hold very close to me, both female to my amazement as before college, i hadn't really talked to girls a whole lot.

But i can always rely on these two amazing woman.
When I'm down and fed up, they are there to comfort and cheer me up, which makes my life a whole lot easier!

I have loved the subjects we have covered in the course i am taking!
From creating stop motion films to making an interactive Flash website.
I have learnt so much but still have so much to learn!

I am quite pleased to say, in the second and final year of my course! Which if completed, will give me an equivalent of 3 A levels and more than enough UCAS points to go to the University of which i desire.

There has been some hard times in the first year of college don't be fooled.
Near the end of the first year i was put back on medication to try and calm my tourettes down but got bad side-effects from the medication, drowsinesses, feeling like a zombie, major league depression and much more. So after 2 weeks on the stuff i was taken off and i vow not to go on any more as it does me more harm than good.

One day walking to the Link (a place our course goes to do certain lessons) which is 20 minutes walk away from the actual college itself. I was attacked by a group of chavs. I was walking on my own and my tourettes let out some profown swearing words to the 4 man strong group. They came up to me and pulled out a knife and lunged at me.
I did manage to avoid it ad ran for my life, i have never ran so fast before, luckily they didn't seem to be that fit so they gave up chase after a minute or so.

But i had never been so scared in my life, it was quite horrible to say the least!

But whenever my course friends were with me and someone shouted abuse at me, my god they didn't half stick up for me! I feel so safe around them.

Well, it's going good in the second year so far. Only a week in but seems to be going good..
I will be sure to write more posts for you to read into.

Regards,
Mark